Looking for some feedback

Hey there.

For several years now I've been promising myself that I would start contributing to the inflation community in the form of stories, since writing is about the only form of artistic expression I'm even remotely good at. However, a hectic schedule, a lack of self-confidence, and a healthy dose of lazyness kept me from making good on this promise... until now.

Recently, I uploaded a short, pseudo-story - inspired by a morph I saw on another artist's page - to my DeviantART account. I wrote it in the space of about ten minutes, largely because I wanted to get it down before I lost my nerve, but it's the first piece of inflation-related writing I've done that I'm actually vaguely proud of.

It can be viewed here: http://phraxus.deviantart.com/art/Just-Between-Friends-83015203

If anyone feels like taking a look and offering some advice and constructive criticism, I would be enormously grateful. I'm planning on writing more stories in the future (hopefully of better quality than this one), and I'd like to get a better idea of where my strengths and weaknesses lie as a writer so that I can improve with each subsequent work.

So yeah, if anyone would be willing to offer some critiques on this little bit of brainspew, I'd be very appreciative.

Thanks for your time.

- Kurg (aka Phraxus)