Deathmatch: Alec Deluxe Vs. The Olsen Twins

“Well, Ted, this looks like a promising match: The Olsen Twins against some pervert I never heard of.”

“That’s right, Mike. There’s nothing interesting about the set-up, particularly, but you can’t go wrong with a couple barely legal teenage blondes.”

“You got that right, Ted. I’m just going to shut up and stare at those shorts now, okay?”

“You do that, Mike.”

Sure enough, the young, nubile Olsen Twins stepped into the ring wearing nothing but some tight black shorts and matching sports bras. Alec Deluxe followed them into the ring. Absolutely no one noticed what he was wearing, but for the record, we think they were blue boxing shorts.

The bell rang and the match began. Alec Deluxe put up his dukes.

Mary-Kate (or was it Ashley?) put her hands on her lovely hips. “You can’t hit me! I’m a girl!”

“Same here,” said Ashley (or was it Mary-Kate?).

“Oh, right,” said Alec meekly. “So, uh, what are we supposed to do?”

“Well, we can do anything we want,” one of the twins assured him, and she reached over in their corner and came back with a tire pump. She leaned over to plug the hose in his navel.

“Hey, you can’t do that!” Deluxe protested. “I’m not even fighting you!”

The twins covered their eyes and began sobbing. “You won’t let us pump you up!”

The crowd booed.

“A very unpopular move by the rookie Alec Deluxe, Mike. Seems he won’t let Mary-Kate and Ashley blow him up with that tire pump. The crowd is clearly displeased with that decision. What do you think, Mike? Mike?”

“Sorry, Ted, you go on without me. Busy here.”

“Jesus, Mike, put that away till after the show.”

Alec Deluxe got beaned in the head with a box of popcorn. “Okay, okay!” he shouted at his hot blonde opponents. “I’m sorry!”

They removed their hands from their faces, revealing two beaming smiles. “Great!” said Ashley (we think). “Where were we?” One twin plugged the tire pump into Deluxe, while the other began pumping.

At first it was just his belly. Then his entire midsection plumped up. Then his arms and legs. And the twins, in tag-team fashion, occasionally traded places as they kept pumping him up like a tire, filling him up with more and more air.

“Wow, look at her go, Mike! That Deluxe fellow is clearly nothing but a balloon to Ashley and Mary-Kate!”

“You said it, Ted. This is a beautifully executed move, as you can see: Deluxe is totally helpless down there, and the crowd loves it! Listen to them chant!”

“Bigger!”

“Blow him up bigger!”

“Go, Mary-Kate!”

“Go, Ashley!!”

Mary-Kate (we think) waved to the crowd as Ashley kept pumping. Alec Deluxe swelled and swelled into a giant ball, one that throbbed larger with each gust of air she pumped into him. She pumped faster and he inflated larger, quickly filling up the space in the ring. The twins were soon forced into a corner, still pumping their victim larger and larger, until at last, they had to jump from the ring.

“What a surprising turn of events, Ted! The Olsen Twins have left the ring, forfeiting the match! Alec Deluxe has won!”

“It’s quite a turn of events, Mike! But look! My God! Never in my career have I seen anything like it! Deluxe’s as big as the ring, but the ladies are still pumping! Look at them go!”

“I can’t help but agree, Ted! Even though they’ve lost on a technicality, they’re not giving up on their opponent! Look at him get bigger! Oh, the humanity! If only there were referees, maybe Deluxe would stand a chance! But the crowd’s clearly rooting for Mary-Kate and Ashley, and they’re not going to send the audience home disappointed!”

“Bigger!”

“Pop him!”

“Make him burst!”

“We love you, Ashley!”

“We love you, Mary-Kate!!”

Ashley waved, but Mary-Kate kept pumping. Faster. Harder. Faster, harder, faster, harder! Alec Deluxe swelled to twice the size of the ring, filling up the entire auditorium. The crowd hushed in awe as he touched the ceiling, his balloon body blocking the lights and plunging the crowd into his shadow.

“Mike, I do believe this is history in the making! That fellow just can’t get any bigger, but Mary-Kate’s still pumping!”

“So I am, Ted! So am I!”

“Man, I’m not cleaning up after you, Mike.”

Mary-Kate stopped pumping, wiping the sweat off her brow.

Then Ashley took her place and pumped up Alec some more.

His body pressed against the ceiling and the far walls, his tiny feet still implanted in the ring. Mary-Kate pushed his bloated flesh away from them so her sister had room to keep pumping, pumping, pumping!

Alec Deluxe’s body squeaked. Ashley kept pumping. He grew as large as he could in the confined space, the pressure building up inside him. She pumped, pumped, pumped! The squeakings grew louder, the pressure grew more intense, and her pumping slowed as she met more and more resistance. Mary-Kate joined her, each sister on one side of the pump, both pushing down as hard as they could.

Finally they paused, stretched, and massaged their hands. Then each one threw back her beautiful long blonde hair. And then they pumped him again.

And Alec Deluxe exploded.

“Well, that was the most amazing match I’ve ever witnessed, Mike! The Twins may have lost, but their opponent is blown to bits!”

“Oh...god...ohhhhh...”

“I’ll get you a towel, Mike.”

“You’re the best, Ted!”