Fatman and Rounder vs HeliumWoman

Date Written: 
06/19/2002

By the time Fatman moved his 360-pound girth up the 14 flights of stairs, he was too late: His arch-nemesis Heliumwoman had already kidnapped District Attorney Borden. This meant that he would have to chase Heliumwoman to her hideout. And that meant even more running. "Awwwwwww, crap!" said Fatman, gasping and taking off in a lumbering jog.

Fatman reached the top floor of Heliumwoman's headquarters, wheezing and clutching his chest. "Doesn't ANYBODY have elevators?" he said between gasps.

"What took you so long?" asked Heliumwoman, standing there in tight black spandex, which clutched her every luscious curve and exposed enough cleavage to make Jennifer Lopez uncomfortable.

She held a string, at the end of which floated D.A. Borden, his body now a balloon shape as he bobbed helplessly in the air above her. "Help, Fatman! She's blown me up into a balloon!"

"Hold your horses, District Attorney," said Fatman, still gasping. He reached into his utility belt, pulling out a small vial of Gatorade and a Snickers bar. "Gotta get my energy back," he explained, and stuffed the bar in his face and washed it down. "And now, Heliumwoman: Release the D.A.!"

She shrugged. "Okay." She released the string, and Borden's rounded form floated upwards like the toy balloon he was, drifting through the skylight. He sailed into the night sky, higher and higher, until the declining air pressure caused him to inflate even bigger and ... POP!

Fatman frowned. "Now, you know that's not what I meant. I'm going to have to take you in!" He jogged forward a few steps, but the effort exhausted him. "Jeez, can't you just come a little closer?"

Heliumwoman didn't respond, instead walking calmly over to her helium cannon. She pointed it at Fatman and fired.

At first, there wasn't a noticeable difference, because of Fatman's normal shape. But eventually the fat became converted into helium and Fatman started to lose mass while paradoxically plumping up further. His utility belt, unable to fight his expanding waistline any longer, snapped off and clattered against the far wall. He stood unable to move from the cannon's ray and consequently got bigger and bigger until he started to float upwards. "Not good," he said, but he fortunately missed the skylight and lightly batted against the ceiling.

"I could just blow you up till you explode," Heliumwoman said with an evil smile. "But I feel like leaving you alone in the room for a while. I don't know why; it's just something I do from time to time. Don't escape or anything!" She stepped out of the room, and despite himself, Fatman had to admit the spandex accentuated the round, delectable curve of her butt.

Fatman floated there helplessly, all blown up and inflated with helium. She could return to pop him at any moment, and there would be nothing he could do. But Fatman wasn't worried: He had an ace-up-the-sleeve in the form of Rounder, the Boy Blimp. He would find Fatman any moment, and it's especially likely that he would show up now, while Heliumwoman was doing whatever the hell she was doing in the other room.

He was right. Rounder suddenly appeared in the doorway. "Fatman! What's happened to you?"

"Heliumwoman used that cannon over there to blow me up into a toy balloon! When she returns, she'll probably use it to inflate me till I burst! You've got to reverse the polarity on the cannon and--"

"This cannon?" Rounder asked, looking at the only cannon in the room.

"Yes. I need you to reverse the flow and--"

"Wow," said Rounder in awe as he approached the cannon. "How does it work?"

"You press that red button there, and it turns you into a helium balloon. So be careful with--"

"Could it blow ME up into a balloon?"

"Well, yes, but--"

"Oh, Fatman, that's awesome!"

Fatman blinked. "Um..."

Rounder stood directly in front of the cannon, while he groped for the button. "Ever since I saw 'Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory' as a kid, I always wanted to blow up like a balloon! Sometimes I just wanted to blow up bigger and bigger until I popped!"

Fatman frowned. His honed detective skills probably should have picked up on the fact long ago that the kid simply wasn't right in the head.

Rounder turned the cannon on and took the ray full blast. "Oh, Fatman, it's working! I can feel myself turning into a balloon!"

"Uh, Rounder, maybe you could see your way to rescuing me first before you--"

Rounder's arms were pushed up by his expanding midsection, swelling up into a rounder, simpler shape, like that of a beach ball. "Look at me, Fatman! I'm blowing up like a balloon! I'm really becoming a balloon at last! It's what I've always dreamed about! I'm a balloon, and I'm inflating bigger!"

"I'd congratulate you, Rounder, but seriously: I need help here. Maybe you could just toss me your utility belt before--"

Snap! Rounder's inflating belly broke the strap on his belt, which fell to the floor.

"Ooooookay," said Fatman. "Well, maybe while you still have arms you could--"

But Rounder's blimpy arms were soon sucked into his spherical body as he became more and more ball-like.

"Still no need to panic," Fatman said to himself as well as to Rounder. "As long as you haven't started floating yet, maybe you could roll out of the path of the ray gun and--Well, of fucking course!"

Rounder had started to float. He drifted up past the ray beam, stopping him from getting any bigger, but he was drifting straight towards the open skylight. Rounder seemed only dimly aware of this, shouting, "I'm a balloon! I'm a balloon! I'm so big! So full! So inflated I could burst! I'm just a big, fat, helpless balloon!" He drifted out the skylight and into the night sky, his voice getting harder to hear as he floated higher and higher. Only distantly could Fatman hear Rounder proclaim, "I can see the Fatcave from up here...!" And then he heard a distant... pop!

"Not good," Fatman repeated.

Heliumwoman returned to the room with a large knife.

"Well, this day just keeps gettin' better," Fatman reflected.

"Oh, good, you didn't try to escape," she cooed. "But how did you manage to get my ray gun on?"

"All right, Heliumwoman! It's time to surrender yourself to justice!"

"Who's going to make me?"

"You haven't beaten me yet!" said Fatman. "Soon I'll escape and--"

Casually, Heliumwoman tilted the cannon's beam toward Fatman. He inflated bigger. And bigger. And bigger.

"Okay, now you've beaten me," groaned Fatman, unable to prevent himself from getting larger and larger as Heliumwoman watched, smirking. She held the beam on him and watched him grow bigger and bigger and bigger. Then his body began making ominous rubbery sounds as he reached the limits of his elasticity. And still he got helplessly, hopelessly bigger... and bigger... and bigger...

 

 

Is this the end of the Inflatable Duo?

Is sure is, cuz Fatman popped like an overinflated balloon.

0
Average: 3.5 (4 votes)