I've Got a Magic Wand

Date Written: 

“Hey, great costume. Gonna pull a rabbit outta that hat, Mandrake?”

“Thanks. Magician’s kinda cliché, bit of a busman’s holiday for me, but I had the cape and hat from work. You look great too. Larry Lawnchair, complete with balloons. Nice. I like the way they bobble as you dance.”

“Work? What? Sorry, I can hardly hear you over the music. Yeah, Larry’s a bit of a hero of mine.”

“Why’s that?”

“I don’t know. Just that kind of follow your dreams thing.”

“Oh, I thought you meant you had some kind of obsession with floating away, lighter than air.”

“Ha ha. Naw, that’d be crazy. I think I’m going to go get a drink.”

“Great, I’ll come with you.”

“I meant, um…I need to use the bathroom. Seeya.”

“Sarah, you leaving already?”

“Yeah, erm, music’s too loud, and Steve’s getting drunk. Gonna be a fight before long.”

“Hey, don’t head off yet. If Steve starts squaring up to anyone, I’ll wave my magic wand. Problem solved.”

“Wow. Wish you were single. I could do with a magic boyfriend.”

“I am single. Fiona left me.”

“Oh shit. I’m so sorry.”

“Bitch. Got together with John behind my back. Pigs.”

“Fuck. I don’t know what to…

“Do you mind if I walk with you. Getting pretty sick of the noise myself.”

“Of course not. You want to talk about it?”

“Not much to talk about. Two years blown just like that.”

“You gonna try to sort things out?”

“Too late for that. Some things can’t be unsaid.”

“What did she say?”

“Not her. Pigs. I see your costume survived.”

“Not for want of dickhead. Some folks just see balloons and automatically think POP.”

“Drunk frat boys. Whatchya gonna do?”

“No. It’s the women are the worst. I think a lot of them feel threatened by balloons. It’s not like I was wearing them down my front.”

“Perhaps you should. Could be a good look for you. Could be another way to float away. Lighter than air.”

“So, Fiona, huh?”

“I don’t wanna talk about it. Pigs. You keep changing the subject.”

“You too.”

“I’ve got the heartbreak excuse. What’s with you not wanting to talk about floating away? Funny attire for someone who blushes everytime I say lighter than air.”

“You gonna say anything, or are you planning on blushing all the way home?”

“Funny man. Just let it go.”

“Like a helium balloon, untethered, floating higher and higher?”

“Fuck. Jen was right. You’re too smart by half.”

“It’s a gift. Well, one among many. It’s your turn on, huh?. You want to have a Larry Lawnchair experience?”

“Christ. Yes. I thought I’d toy with the idea on the one night of the year when no-one would ask questions.”

“You should have worn more make-up. Your cheeks betray you.”

“Only when nosy friends keep asking dumb questions.”

“What if I told you I could help you realize your dreams?”

“What. You got a truck load of helium in your hat?”

“No. I’ve got a magic wand. I could make your wildest sexual fantasy a reality.”

“That’s an original line. Fuck, why not. You’ve gotta be quiet, though. My housemate’s a religious nut.”

“You misunderstand. I’m talking about my actual wand. Just say the word and I’ll cast a spell that takes you to your happy place, with or without me.”

“Ha ha. Dumbass. I’m inviting you in to have sex. You understand? Forget your wand.”

“Sarah, it’s you that doesn’t understand. I am a magician.”

“Yes. A very chivalrous one. Quit the act. Come inside.”

“I guess I’ll just have to show you. Apetiti peulla”


“Wait for it.”


“I don’t know how it’ll happen. Maybe the balloons will get bigger.”

“What did you do?”

“Don’t get mad. I granted you your greatest desire.”

“Well thank christ you don’t know my greatest desire. Are you coming in?”

“Sometimes it takes a few seconds.”

“If you’re not coming in, I’m not…Fuck. What did you do?”

“I told you. Is something wrong with your blouse?”


“What’s happening. Did you stuff those in there? Why’re only those balloons getting bigger?”

“Listen closely. My greatest desire…”

“They’re getting huge. Hey, that button nearly hit me. Are they gonna pop?”

“…is to inflate like a balloon…”

“Hey, now your butt looks like it’s blowing up. How are you…”

“…and float away. Now reverse the spell.”

“But…some things can’t be unsaid.”

“Quick, catch me.”

“Ugh. Now what.”

“Get your trousers off. They’re weighing us down.”

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