Thanks for the feedback
Spoilers for t.v. show and my story:
Pooko doesn't have a boyfriend in the show (or no mention of one)
Pooko didn't wear super stretchable panties, in fact she was naked. (but when deflated her body looked like a barbie dolls) I thought she'd look sexy if she were wereing that.
We didn't see Pooko actually inflating herself, just her side growing larger and larger out of Tigers-eye shadow. So we didnt' see her grow out of her clothes.
Pooko dies in the show instead of deflating down and starting to leave.
There was a character that I removed from the episode to make writing it easier.
End of Spoilers
Thanks for saying my inflation scene was execellent. And Pooko is wearing the panties where they should be, around her legs. Not on her head (actually she doesn't have a head just a face in her balloon form)
Carniac, I'm thinking about submitting pictures of Pooko in. I want to do a story board with pictures from the anime. I'll add underwear onto Pooko's pictures with exerts from the story. ARe you at all interested in reviewing that?
I speak as someone who doesn't know anything about Sailor Moon or Anime as a whole.
this story was really good. Admittedly I read the bit involving the inflation first, but then I gradually read the rest. The story as a whole is good, but difficult for me to judge as I don't know which parts are from the original and which parts you have changed.
The description of the inflation was excellent, good use of similies and inflationary vocabulary. i.e. it's good you find new ways to describe a girl blowing up and don't over-use certain words.
One thing to be careful of is the flow of certain sentences. I'll give an example.
'More breathing and more expanding. Now her whole torso was bulging and expanding out. She now looked like an incredibly large beach ball with long legs, arms, a pretty face with a head that was wearing panties, bra, and stretched out open shirt.'
She looked like a 'large beach ball that was wearing panties... etc.' by putting in all the 'with long legs, arms, a pretty face with a head' You kind of stretch out that sentence and the bit about wearing panties seems a bit removed, as though it's her head that's wearing panties. (hey maybe it is I don't know, if that's the case I'm sorry)
What you need to be doing is looking back and making sure each reads how you imagine the to read. When you are getting into providing detailed descriptions (like I do) you sometimes end up fitting too much in and either losing the flow of each sentence or losing your pacing (you don't have a problem with pacing though).
Thanks though for what was a great story. Looking forward to seeing the other eleven
Carnatic