I remember a while ago someone was planning on a Hermione inflation story and that got me insterested in doing my own.
Unless I'm wrong this may be the first inflation story with Hermione Granger from Harry Potter, inflating.
http://bodyinflation.org/index.php?name=Archive&op=Display&storyID=229
Feed back, please?
Well, their might be a sequel. We'll see. Sometimes I played around in my head with a trilogy idea.
I think an adult Ginny would be cute.
And Luther, if you happen to find this topic,may I ask why this got only a PG, I figured it'd be PG-13 like my Wonky stories.
Good story, Roger. You clearly know the Potter world and, as another big fan, I have to say that made it a more enjoyable read.
The stuff I think could be improved:
- Snape would have done nothing? Really? At some point I would think he would react to losing control of his class, if only to blame the trio and take points from their house.
- You mean "taut" not "taunt." The one with the N in it means to verbally provoke someone with insults. Misspellings are one thing but when you happen to hit a totally different word in the process, it shatters everything.
- The use of the phrase "the woman" was a little overstated. I know you did it to avoid writing "the girl" since we've had discussions about stories involving underage characters, but this was super-awkward to read "the woman" repeatedly, on two counts: 1) she's in school, she's a teenager, even in this part of the continuity (I think you established when this is happening in continuity quite well - between books 6 and 7, but non-Potter fans might not know that), she's still a girl. Girl does not have to mean 12 years old; 17 and 18 year olds are still called girls in common vernacular. 2) More of a writing craft point: "The woman" is something a news reporter would say, removed, detached. Why not just use her name? It came off very impersonal because you rarely spoke her name and I became aware that you referred to her as an almost anonymous, generic story element even though she was the lead character. You sidestepped one issue and created another.
- This should really be posted in the Writer's Den area, because hey, that's where story feedback lives. :)
I swear I've always seen the word 'taut' as 'taunt', "He's taunting him!"
But your 3rd (I think it was 3rd)point's second half disturbed me. The idea that I made my character anonamous disturbs me. I think I avoided saying her name because I was afraid I would say it TOO much. I never got the impression that I made her generic but the idea of something getting that makes me feel bad. Not your fault I'm glad you brought that to my attention.
And I know we have a writer's section but it's like no one uses it (hmm I'm part of the problem I think) and I figured I'd at least get a few responses here.
Oh yeah and about Snape. I could really picture him allowing his class to 'lose control' as you put it at the sight of the Slythrins laughing and the Gryiffindors confused and worried about Hermione's blight.
Okay it'd be a 'just this once' thing. And I didn't think the points would matter since it's the end of the year but now that you mention it there is still the end first and I was thinking 'if they lose doesn't matter since they won't be going back next year.' Ah but then again they would want there last year to go out with a victory!
I think I also didn't have Snape take points away, because this was a more 'personal' enjoyment. It wasn't student vs. teacher, it was Snape vs. Hermione (someone he hates)so he kept a matter about school points out of it.
It's a very good story... I especially like the pacing of it and the descriptions of her as she inflates. Inflate123 is right about the use of the phrase 'the woman' though, it seems strange when Hermione is the main character to hear her referred to in the 3rd person. Her name won't seem overused if you are only using it when the text calls for it, and where you have only just used it in the previous sentence, the 2nd person 'she' will be better than 'the woman'.
example.
'Oh no, it does feel a little round!' she thought. Slowly she began lowering her head until- she made a surprised expression, her stomach was bulging out a tiny bit, and it wasn't her imagination that it was slowly getting bigger.
instead of
'Oh no, it does feel a little round!' she thought. Slowly the woman began lowering her head until- she made a surprised expression, her stomach was bulging out a tiny bit, and it wasn't her imagination that it was slowly getting bigger.
I think an adult Ginny would be cute.
lol, don't tell me. Ginny finds out about Hermione's inflation and wants to try it herself, hoping it'll get Harry Potter's attention the same way Hermione's got Ron's?
Is Hermione going to get inflated anymore if you do make a trilogy?
It always felt weird too me and I worried about using the character's name too much,so that why I tried to find allternative.
Hermione inflating a second time? Gee I don't know like I said a 'trilogy' idea was buzzing in my head and some point I wanted Ginny to inflate. That's all I had but we'll see. I'm still doing Wonky too.
So does my using 'woman' ruin the story?
nah things like that don't ruin the story they're just imperfections.
I also found "the woman" to be overstated.
I overall liked it. It was fine, although I like a different sort of ending ;)
I always wanted to see that slytherin Parkinson chick get hers, or be the sole mastermind behind an inflation prank on another girl. School girls with magic? Inflation is the first thing that comes to mind lol
Whenever I've read this story I never had a problem with 'the woman' to be honest so that's another reason why they're there.
And what of 'different' ending did you have in mind? Popping?
If she popped I would have most likely had her live, it'd be cartoony and McGonallgal would have put her back together. But I wanted Hermione to rolled out, even thought that's a berry girl thing. I just thought the sight of Ron and Harry rolling a full Hermione was adorable.
Maybe Pansy would be inflated in a sequel but I'd pretty her up since I've heard she was described as 'a pug'.
Well, instead of "the woman", maybe you could say "the young lady" instead. You're not mentioning a girl or a woman, but a female in between the age group in mind.
nah, with all respect, that almost sounds like it's getting into political correctness gone mad.
I had a feeling I wouldn't have gotten in any trouble if I had called Hermione a girl. Most of the time she's really mature and seems years ahead, so yet another reason for 'woman'
I like young lady I would have stuck that in there once or twice.
If you've seen "taut" and "taunt" used interchangably, you were unwittingly following someone else's confused example. It's a common and understandable mistake and I see it often online, but the two words are unrelated:
http://dictionary.reference.com/search?q=taut
http://dictionary.reference.com/search?q=taunt
Meanwhile, to clarify a bit, "the woman" makes her sound like an object (the armchair, the postal worker, the man in the baseball hat), where as proper names or personal pronouns connect your actions to your characters (she, Postman Pat, Coach). Hermione's undoubtedly a woman/girl/female, but that's one of the least specific labels you could give her. A woman can be anywhere; only a student or a wizard can be at Hogwarts. Both "student" and "wizard" are more specific in defining Hermione (but neither work as well as a simple "she" or "her" for me in this case).
"Young lady" would have been equally awkward for me for the same reason; defining her gender is simply not as powerful as a more character-specific term. And yeah, you may have been trying to avoid repeating her name, but names have power.
Does it ruin the story? No, I liked it, quite a bit, for reasons of both pace and confidence in/knowledge of the Potterverse. But that's the phrase that broke my immersion in your story. I thought you should know that, especially since it seems that readers of your story had a different reaction than you expected to some of your word choices.
I'm not sure why you found that feedback "disturbing" or why you're dwelling on this particular point. You're not in "trouble." It's not a value judgement - it's a critique, a suggestion for improvement next time. Chill.
Whenever I've read this story I never had a problem with 'the woman' to be honest so that's another reason why they're there.And what of 'different' ending did you have in mind? Popping?
If she popped I would have most likely had her live, it'd be cartoony and McGonallgal would have put her back together. But I wanted Hermione to rolled out, even thought that's a berry girl thing. I just thought the sight of Ron and Harry rolling a full Hermione was adorable.
Maybe Pansy would be inflated in a sequel but I'd pretty her up since I've heard she was described as 'a pug'.
She is kinda cute in the movies.
Not necessarily popping. I just dont like th einflatee to get out well. LOL Maybe slythering could have used her for their going away float in a school parade lol
And personally I would have liked more involvement in the part of Pansy. Just her walking up to her and poking her doesnt do much for me. But thats just me. I know generally people like that sort of thing.
To inflate123, 'disturbed' was a bad word for me to pick. Overall I just feel a bit bad for the use of the word 'woman'. I just felt really proud of this story.
And Darth, I like the float idea, who knows it might show up sometime. But I was happy with Parkinson role and overall I did this story just to inflate Hermione Granger.
Sequel may be down the road, no promises.
That was me that talked about making a Hermione inflation story. And yours was pretty good.
Please tell me you have a sequel in mind. I want to see Hermione get her revenge. :twisted: