Thats a great story. You wrote as if you were telling it, which had a neat narrative feel.
Plus... I love Nightwish, and the pun at the end is perfect. ^_^
Story debut at DA
Just so everyone here knows, I wrote my first story ever and posted it on my DA. Its called The Nighthiss.
I plan on writing more for the community, and maybe submit them to this site too. I wouldn't be writing long stuff like Carnatic's series or airtankgirl5's. I would mostly write shorties, but I dont know. Lets see where this leads. I may start another one a little later.
Tue, 01/30/2007 - 18:44
#3
Wed, 01/31/2007 - 00:36
#4
darth_clone19
Thanks guys!
Inflate, look the Nightwish singer up. You'll know right away why inflating her was a good idea ^^
I meant that her butt had already tripled, but Ill fix it. You are right, it does sound awkward.
Im being very straightforward with these stories, but Ill try to not be so the more I write. Im trying to find a balance between not making them too long, yet have interesting inflation things happen. Not just the inflation per se, but how the inflator interacts with her new balloon.
When I described the inflation, I sort of wrote the little aspects I like to think about. Any comments on how I improve that?
Wed, 01/31/2007 - 00:58
#5
I dunno. I've always had problems with too short, ever since the nyst stuff.
I'll say I liked it though. Even though I already said so on DA. :P
I was going to post a reaction/response at DA but they're down for maintenance again.
I think this is an excellent first attempt. Much more went right than went wrong. (I'd never heard of Nightwish and that didn't impede my enjoyment of the story.)
For the constructive bits, I think some of the phrasing is awkward (when the corset finally gives up, for instance, it's odd to see the "which had already tripled" be the reference; it feels tacked on and awkward, but could be reworked/rephrased pretty easily) and the descriptions of the inflations could be clearer/more vivid. But again, I've seen far worse, far more vague first stories. Glad you gave it a shot and shared!
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