hey guys, i've been a member for a few years now and i noticed that content has been slowing down so i figured i'd take a step up and become a writer. i've never written a story before per se, especially not one involving inflation, but i took a stab at it and would really appreciate some feedback. if all goes well, you can expect more stories soon, and i actually mean that. Its "A Heavy Girl's Revenge" by me, Garfunkl. Thanks alot
New Story, my first one
Thu, 01/03/2008 - 19:01
#1
New Story, my first one
Fri, 01/04/2008 - 17:37
#3
I can honestly say that I whole heartedly agree with Alec. In my opinion, one of the best pieces of fiction I've read in awhile. Keep it up. I really liked the whole overtone, if thats the right word, of how Ashley started to get turned on by the whole thing.
I myself have written a second story but as with the first its "too adult" for here. I just can't seem to figure out how to convert it to html to put it on DA.
Good luck to you and I hope to see more soon. (That goes for both of you lol)
Sat, 01/05/2008 - 00:38
#4
I think it was a great story by any standards, and amazing first. :) You should keep up the good work.
Sat, 01/05/2008 - 17:15
#5
Thanks for the great feedback. honestly, it only took me a few hours but i really think i could do better than that. after i submitted it, i realized some of the plot stuff(mainly the ins and outs of the inflation section) was a bit...lacking i suppose. and i could've added more detail to some of the sections but i guess thats what is to be expected with a first submission. anyway, i deeply enjoy all of you guys' work, especially you Carnatic. makes me feel a little accomplished and wanting give more so that is indeed what i shall do haha. Thanks guys, expect another within a week.
Sat, 01/05/2008 - 18:35
#6
It is a good story for a first submission. However, as strange as this may sound concerning an inflation story, it could use a little suspension of disbelief. For example, H.G. Wells' THE INVISIBLE MAN was a social commentary and not "hard" scientific speculation, yet Wells made a token explanation about the technique of invisibility.
"A Heavy Girl's Revenge" resorted to chemistry, then dissociated itself from that explanation with the voodoo doll-like "blowing up gum equals blowing up body." That kind of interactivity doesn't sound like a chemical reaction. If you want to stay "scientific," how about nanotechnology? Or perhaps something more mind-bending -- say some kind of Klein bottle crystal structure to the sugar in the gum that folds the pressure blown into a gum bubble back into the source? (Ever read a short story titled "A Subway Named Moebius"?) Granted, that's very weird compared to chemistry, but the difference is chemistry has familiar boundaries. Violating those boundaries is like someone familiar with nuclear physics insisting on the long-outmoded notion that the sun shines from a kind of chemical burning.
Just for the record, I have nothing against resorting to magic, sympathetic or otherwise, like "The Brush." If you want to redraft "Heavy Girl" and stick with chemistry, then make the gum fit the crime. Ashley hates Christie's artificially enhanced figure, so make the formula some kind of catalyst between air and silicone -- each intake of breath "burns up" some of the breast implants turning them from a solid into a gas. Perhaps her breasts would inflate first, then the pressure would flood through the rest of Christie's body. Imagine her beginning to hyperventilate with fear...
Inflation stories are a dime a dozen. I've tried my hand at writing a few, so I know how hard it is to come up with something new, or at least distinctive. You're off to a good start. I look forward to your next effort.
Tue, 01/08/2008 - 00:56
#7
i think this was a very good storie to begin with. i like the twist to the old classic in the gum too. it was also very descriptive.
Tue, 01/08/2008 - 07:15
#8
Inflate123
Always happy to see new voices in the community, especially when they offer good yarns like this one. I dug it.
Tue, 01/08/2008 - 19:50
#9
darth_clone19
I liked it a lot! Almost put off when I saw the friggin Wonka gum...but it made up for it later. :)
Wasnt too crazy about the dialogue between inflator inflatee though.
But definitely will keep a look out for another story by you.
It's right up my alley, Big G. Beautiful stuff. Thanks for submitting it, and keep at it.
I want to pop so much I could burst!