The Laws of Body Inflation

I originally only posted this to my DeviantArt account, since there didn't seem to be a proper category for it here. It's not really a story, so I don't think it's appropriate for the story archive. But it's also much too long winded to be a forum post. In the end I decided that t was worthwhile to have a copy of this somewhere on the site, so the Writers' Den it is.

Some years back, I ran into The BE Laws of Physics (which was inspired by The Laws of Anime). The list pokes fun at many of the common conventions used in breast expansion stories. I thought it would be amusing to perform a similar analysis of body inflation stories. This list is the result.

The Laws of Body Inflation

Law of Pneumatic Economy: Compressed gasses are so cheap as to be practically free. Various people and organizations who have no particular reason to keep tanks of compressed gas around do so just in case they're needed someday.

Law of Containment Durability: Devices which are designed to contain or convey compressed gasses (tanks, hoses, pumps, etc) are made from highly durable materials and engineered to a level suitable for high-end aerospace applications. As such, they will never fail even when under extreme stress and operating well outside of their design specifications.

Law of Excess Capacity: Because compressed gasses are free and the tanks are nigh indestructible, it's fairly routine for a vessel to contain a quantity of gas that's far greater than what's required for its intended purpose. You'll often find a blimp's worth of helium in a tank used for filling party balloons.

Law of Pneumatic Control Fragility: Knobs, valves, and other devices used for controlling the flow of compressed gasses are designed by the lowest bidder and only manufactured on Fridays, between 4:30PM and 5:05PM, by disgruntled sweat shop workers. They are of poor quality, quite frail, and will often fail when exposed to significant stress. The stress that results from normal use will usually do it.

Murphy's Law of Pneumatic Control Fragility: When a valve or pump fails, it will fail in the "on" position.

Law of Biogenic Buoyancy: Any gas will become lighter once pumped to a person. A beach ball filled with helium won't float away, but anyone who inhales a similar volume of helium will quickly become airborne. Even ordinary air can provide lift if pumped into a person in sufficient quantity.

Law of Garment Elasticity: All clothing stretches to some degree. A latex catsuit can be stretched to the size of a large zeppelin, while a chain mail bikini may only stretch a few feet before breaking. Belts are the only exception; they will not stretch at all, and invariably cinch the inflating person's torso quite uncomfortably until removed.

Law of Garment Fastener Intransigence: Any device used to secure clothing (buttons, zippers, etc) will become impossible to operate once under tension. The only way for an inflating person to get out of their clothing is to burst out of it. Belts are the only exception; because belts don't stretch, the buckles remain undeformed and operational.

First Law of Mutual Feminine Attraction: 20% of women are lesbians.

Second Law of Mutual Feminine Attraction: 36% of women are bisexual.

Third Law of Mutual Feminine Attraction: 23% of women are straight, mostly, but still kinda into chicks and would totally make out with another girl under the right circumstances if she was really hot or inflated.

Fourth Law of Mutual Feminine Attraction: 21% of women are completely straight, but oh my God look at how huge I am this is so weird why am I so turned on and it feels pretty good when you touch me like that and it's not like I can stop you anyway so I guess you can keep going just don't tell anyone about this.

Fifth Law of Mutual Feminine Attraction: There are seventeen women in the world who are not at all attracted to other women, and would only have sex with another woman if forced to by the threat of imminent bodily harm. Currently all seventeen are being held prisoner at gunpoint by psychotic lesbian inflationists.

First Law of Mutual Masculine Attraction: In every recorded case in history, sexual contact between two men has resulted in one of the men inflating and exploding.

Second Law of Mutual Masculine Attraction: As a consequence of the First Law, homosexual men are so rare that their existence is still considered by many to be a myth.

Law of Pneumafacient Undetectability: Despite being potentially dangerous, all substances that cause inflation are designed in such a way that dramatically increases the chances of them being inadvertently consumed.

First Corollary: 90% of chemicals that cause inflation are similar to iocaine powder: odorless, colorless, and dissolve instantly in liquid.
Second Corollary: 10% of the chemicals will only impart a mild flavor that will be immediately dismissed by the person consuming it.

Law of Pneumofacient Availability: Anyone who wants to acquire a chemical that will inflate people can do so.

First Corollary: Inflation drugs are readily available from online pharmacies, without a prescription, at a price that's affordable for the average teenager.
Second Corollary: Anyone with a high school level education in chemistry and access to a school lab can whip up a substance that will inflate people.
Third Corollary: Any facility which stores chemicals that can cause inflation will have little or no security. Just about anyone can break in, sneak in, or even inadvertently stumble in and take as much as they want.

Law of Pharmaceutical Disclosure: All drugs which could cause inflation are labeled with detailed guidelines for dosages and descriptions of all potentially adverse interactions and side effects. "Exploding" is usually one of the possible side effects.

Law of Contraindicatory Indifference: Most people never read the warnings on inflation drugs.

Law of Memory Transience: Most people who do read the warnings on inflation drugs will have no recollection of doing so. Thus when side effects occur, they will come as a complete surprise.

Law of Perverse Subliminal Suggestion: Although most people will not consciously recall any contraindications listed on drug labels, such warnings will act as a subliminal suggestions. So if a label says "DO NOT TAKE MORE THAN ONE PILL -- DO NOT TAKE WITH CARBONATED BEVERAGES", then the user will take two pills and wash them down with a soda.

Law of Presumed Contraindication Flexibility: Those few people who read the instructions for inflation drugs and remember them will still treat dosage guidelines as suggestions, no matter how sternly they're worded.

Law of Pneumatically Induced Recollection: Inflation enhances memory recall. Someone who completely forgot about the instructions prior to inflating will often have an "Ahah!" moment of remembering them shortly before exploding.

Law of Temporal Uncertainty: Substances which causes inflation rarely work as quickly as the user expects. And users often have unreasonable expectations.

First Corollary: 3% of people wait longer to see if the drug takes effect.
Second Corollary: 0.028% of people conclude that the drug is defective or a scam. They throw away the remainder and never patronize that vendor again.
Third Corollary: 97% of people assume the first dose was insufficient and take another. They will continue to do so until the drug takes effect. They will do so regardless of how detailed the labeled dosage guidelines are or how dire the consequences of overdose are.

Law of Physician Avoidance: It is extraordinarily rare for a person experiencing severe pneumatic distension to seek medical treatment.

Law of Physician Complacency: In those rare situations where the inflated person seeks medical attention, the doctor is invariably unhelpful. An almost all cases, the doctor will be completely clueless as to the cause of the inflation. In most cases, the doctor will cover up this ignorance by making up some mundane explanation for the expansion, e.g., indigestion, allergic reaction.

First Law of Pneumatic Aeronautical Failure: If a person inflates on an airplane, then the plane will experience a loss of cabin pressure at cruising altitude. The resulting decrease in pressure will cause further inflation.

Second Law of Pneumatic Aeronautical Failure: After a plane loses cabin pressure, the oxygen mask used by an inflated person will malfunction. This will result in excessive oxygen flow and further inflation.

Law of Barometric Magnification: A drop in atmospheric pressure will cause a disproportionately large change in the volume of gas inside a person. A ten percent decrease in external pressure will cause an inflated person to double in size.

Law of Deterministic Buoyancy: Anyone who is filled with any amount of lighter-than-air gas will eventually be filled with enough of it to become airborne.

Law of Incendiary Expansion (The Hindenburg Effect): Any person who is filled with hydrogen will become airborne, then explode. Oh the humanity.

Law of Terminal Decompression: Even if a person has already endured substantial inflation through other means without problems or complications, any further inflation that is brought about by a drop in external air pressure will ultimately result in that person exploding.

Law of Mass Non-Conservation: A person inflates, his mass decreases. An inflated person, once completely round, will have so little mass that he may be easily picked up and tossed around like a beach ball. By the time an inflated person pops, he will have almost no mass left. If there are any remnants at all, they will be a few small shreds similar to those left by a popped balloon.

Law of Pneumatic Pulchritude: A woman's attractiveness is proportional to the volume of gas she contains. Ever notice how much attention a woman can get by taking a deep breath? Body inflation extends this effect.

Law of Pneumatic Conflict Resolution: It's perfectly reasonable for two people to settle a dispute by inflating to see who can become larger.

First Corollary: Due to the Law of Pneumatic Pulchritude, it is quite common for two women to engage in competitive inflation in order to establish who is more attractive.
Second Corollary: A man will only engage in competitive inflation if he's challenged by an attractive woman who's previously humiliated him.
Third Corollary: While a man will never enter an inflation contest with another man, he may challenge himself to see how large he can inflate. This invariably ends with him bursting.

Law of Mutually Assured Pneumatic Destruction: Any contest where two people compete to see who can inflate more will usually result in both competitors popping.

Law of Induced Elasticity: Applying gas under pressure to a person will dramatically increase how much that person's body can stretch well beyond what physics or biology would indicate is possible. Any person can potentially be turned into a balloon.

Law of Sympathetic Elasticity: Wearing balloon-like clothing dramatically increases the chances that a woman will herself become balloon-like. The more stretchy and form-fitting the clothing is, the higher the risk. An outfit consisting entirely of latex and/or spandex virtually guarantees that the wearer will inflate. Nobody has ever inflated while wearing a muumuu.

Law of Spontaneous Pressure Inversion (The Blowback Effect): As an inflatable object approaches its maximum capacity, the interaction of elastic material and human breath creates an extremely unstable situation. There is a small but significant chance that the inflatable will suddenly and rapidly return to its uninflated state, instantly returning all of the air it contains to the person inflating it, rapidly inflating said person in the process. This can happen with balloons, pool toys, or any other inflatable.

Law of Superfluous Complementary Functionality: Any device which generates suction (e.g. vacuum cleaner, breast pump) will have a 'reverse' setting, despite there being no conceivable application for such a setting in the device's normal usage. This mode will usually be engaged accidentally, and will almost always result in someone inflating.

Law of Exhalation Impairment: While being inflated via the mouth, people are incapable of exhaling through the nose.

Law of Deflation Infeasibility: Now matter how quickly or easily a person inflates, the deflation process will be orders of magnitude slower if it's possible at all.

First Corollary: A person who has been inflated via the mouth will only be able to exhale one breath's worth of gas once the inflation stops. Exhaling the rest will be impossible and the person will be stuck in an inflated state.
Second Corollary: Any spell, potion, or chemical that causes inflation will have no countermeasure. The victim will have to wait until the effect wears off on its own.
Third Corollary: You cannot deflate a person by poking a hole in the skin to let the air out. Puncturing an inflated person always results in explosion.
Fourth Corollary: A person who has been inflated by almost any means may deflate quickly by exhaling if and only if the air is blown into another person. Deflation is permissible if it results in inflation.

Law of Uninterruptible Inflation: It is impossible to break any connection that's being used to inflate someone as long as there's gas flowing through it.

First Corollary: A hose that's inflating a person cannot be disconnected. Any attempt to do so will cause the connector to jam. The hose will remain connected until the source of inflation is exhausted or shut down.
Second Corollary: When a person who is blowing into an inflatable object experiences blowback, the inflatable's valve will remain stuck to that person's mouth until all of the air has been transferred.
Third Corollary: It is impossible to break off a kiss while one person is blowing into the other.

First Law of Inflationary Resilience: The human body can be filled with sufficient pressure to break free from any constraints. Shirts, belts, corsets, and small residential structures may contain an inflating person for a while but will ultimately be destroyed.

Second Law of Inflationary Resilience: The process of inflation makes human skin extremely sturdy. The strain from bursting free of clothing or crushing furniture against the walls will leave no marks. A person can destroy a small building and remain completely unscathed by the countless splinters, metal fragments and pieces of broken glass.

Third Law of Inflationary Resilience: If the inflation is reversed, then the person's body will return to it's normal state without displaying any ill effects from having been inflated. There will be no blemishes, stretch marks, aches, pains, or sagging of the skin. However women often experience significant residual swelling, most commonly in the breasts and the hips.

Law of Inflationary Vulnerability: Even though inflated people are almost impervious to environmental hazards, they can be easily burst by anyone with a minimally pointy object and malicious intent. An inflated person who has survived demolishing a house without suffering so much as a scratch can be easily done in by a jab from a sharp fingernail.

Law of Disproportionate Response: Inflating someone, even to the point of explosion, is an appropriate punishment for any perceived wrongdoing. This is true even for the most trivial of offenses, real or imagined. If your girlfriend cheats on you, breaks up with you, nags a lot, or chews really loud then you should feel perfectly justified in slipping some helium pills into her drink.

Law of Pneumatic Indemnification: Never under any circumstances is it illegal to inflate someone. Because there are no laws covering inflation, people can feel free to inflate others as they see fit without fear that the authorities will get involved.

Law of Interruptive Detonation: When a person explodes, it usually happens when that person or someone nearby is talking about how likely it is that the person will explode. Anyone commenting that someone is about to explode is very likely to be cut off by that person doing so.

First Law of Situational Ignorance: In the case of unexpected inflation, the victim will often remain unaware of his or her own inflation in progress. The victim will ignore the inflation for as long as possible, dismissing it as imagined or attributing it to some mundane cause. The victim will assume that tightening clothes must have shrunk in the wash or that a swelling stomach is the result of digestive problems, for example.

Second Law of Situational Ignorance: Bystanders within sight of an inflating person will not notice the inflation unless that person does something dramatic to draw their attention to it, like screaming "Oh my god, I'm inflating!" Popping buttons off of clothing, knocking over furniture, or exploding will also usually, but not always, attract the attention of bystanders.

Third Law of Situational Ignorance: People rarely look up, and will almost always be oblivious to an inflated person floating overhead. A person who inflates and floats away will simply be reported as missing; nobody will report seeing a strange balloon rising from said person's home around the time of the disappearance. This makes inflation an ideal method for getting rid of people one finds annoying.

Law of Bystander Complacency: Even once they become aware of a person inflating nearby, bystanders will rarely take action in response the inflation. They will not offer assistance or call for help. They won't even flee the area or seek to shield themselves from the impending blast when it appears likely that the inflating person will explode. However they will offer plenty of comments, all of which will be completely unhelpful, one of which will probably be interrupted by an explosion.

Law of Ineffectual Intervention: Any attempt to assist someone who is inflating will invariably be poorly conceived, incompetently executed, and/or carried out too late to be helpful. At best, it will be completely ineffective. But it's even more likely that any attempt to help will actually make the situation worse.

Law of Personal Puritanism: The most compelling of human motivations is not self-preservation but modesty. A person who is experimenting with inflation will have no concerns about bursting but will be deathly afraid of being seen naked. Thus, anyone who plans on inflating will not do so before acquiring attire that will keep them covered while inflated.

First Law of Sensory Distortion: The nerves which transmit pain are easily disrupted by the peculiar sort of tensile stress that comes from internal pressure. Once inflation starts, they shut down very quickly. The the most unpleasant sensation an inflating person can experience is mild discomfort.

Second Law of Sensory Distortion: As the skin becomes tighter, pleasure sensors move closer to the surface and the tension causes a dramatic increase in sensitivity. There are many reported cases of people achieving orgasm purely from inflation.

Law of Partner Reassurance: Anyone who says things like "Don't worry, I won't blow you up too big," or "Just tell me when you're feeling full and I'll stop," is lying. People invariably change their minds about what qualifies as "too big" once their partner has been inflated too much to have any meaningful say in the matter.

Law of Tactile Equivalence: Compressed gas is a suitable, and in many cases superior, medium for use in cosmetic enhancements. Breasts filled with helium will be significantly rounder, lighter, and firmer, but will nonetheless be indistinguishable from their natural counterparts even when subjected to the most intimate of scrutiny. However there is a limit to this effect. If a woman inflates enough that her breasts take on a latex-like sheen, squeak when rubbed together, or lift her from the ground, then her lover may notice that something is amiss.

First Law of Improbable Innovation: Many inventions implement extraordinarily advanced technology to accomplish a task that can be effectively handled by far more mundane means. It just so happens that they also have the potential to cause inflation when misused or abused. Such products will invariably find their way into the hands of mischievous or vengeful teenagers.

Second Law of Improbable Innovation: An invention that could solve any of the seemingly insurmountable problems facing humanity will not be used for that purpose if it is also capable of blowing people up. A catalyst capable of generating an unlimited quantity of hydrogen will not be used to solve the world's energy problems. It will be used to turn people into living blimps.

Law of Research Ethicality: The International Ethical Guidelines for Biomedical Research Involving Human Subjects contains a blanket exception for research involving body inflation. Really, it does. Look it up.

First Corollary: There is no corresponding exception in the guidelines governing animal research. This makes animal testing far more complicated and expensive than testing on humans. As a result, chemicals that might cause inflation always go straight to human trials.
Second Corollary: When testing an inflation chemical, it is of utmost important that the test subjects be completely unaware that they are about to be inflated. Lying to them is strongly encouraged. The true nature of the experiment should only be revealed once the test subject starts inflating and asks "What's happening to me?"
Third Corollary: Even better than non-disclosure is an ironic partial disclosure. For example, a chemical that will fill the subject with a lighter-than-air gas should be pitched as an experimental weight-loss drug or perhaps a mood-altering drug that will "lift your spirits".

Law of Laboratory Staffing: All research assistants are female, extremely attractive, not very bright, and willing to serve as test subjects for scientists studying inflation.

First Corollary: Every male scientist has at least one research assistant, whom he will use as a test subject.
Second Corollary: Female scientists who don't have any research assistants will use themselves as test subjects.

Law of Disparate Gender Elasticity: Women inflate far more easily than men. This makes perfect sense: since women are naturally curvy, their bodies are better suited for withstanding the stress of being transformed into one giant curve.

First Corollary: In any experiment involving body inflation, the test subjects will almost always be female.
Second Corollary: Women are far more sensitive to substances that cause inflation. Many inflation agents have no effect on men at all.
Third Corollary: Men make poor balloons. On the On the rare occasions when they are inflated, they are far more likely to explode.

Law of Journalistic Indifference: Regardless of how many witnesses there were, how much property damage occurred, and how many casualties there were, no inflation incident will ever be reported on television or in print.

Law of Excessive Histamine Response: All allergic reactions have the potential to cause severe swelling. Extremely severe. Like dirigible-sized severe.

First Law of Blueberry Gum: Roughly 50% of all brands of blueberry gum will cause a person to swell up with juice when chewed. Most of these bear prominent warnings to this effect.

Second Law of Blueberry Gum: Blueberry gum has the most incredible flavor ever tasted by any human being. Nobody has ever stopped chewing blueberry gum as long as it has any flavor left in it, regardless of the effects or the danger. Even if if a woman turns blue, swells up into a giant berry, and watches her best friend overfill with juice and explode from chewing the very same gum, she'll keep right on chewing. It's just that good.

Law of Feminine Villainy: All assassins are attractive women and their preferred method of dispatching their victims is inflation.

Law of Gas Solubility: Any beverage can absorb an enormous amount of gas, which will be released when the beverage is consumed.

First Corollary: Any gas can be dissolved into any beverage without affecting the taste at all.
Second Corollary: No matter how much gas is dissolved into a beverage, it will appear no more fizzy than ordinary soda.
Third Corollary: The is no limit to the amount of gas that a beverage can hold.

Law of Navel Permittivity: The navel acts as a one-way valve that can carry gas to any and every part of the body.

Law of Preventative Corpulence: The odds that person will inflate are inversely proportional to that person's weight. The heavier a person is, the less likely it is that that person will inflate.

Law Balloon Affinity: All women love balloons. In fact, it's common for women throw parties where they do nothing but inflate and play with balloons.

First Corollary: When women get bored with balloons, they invariably try to inflate people.
Second Corollary: If there is only one man at a balloon party, then he'll certainly be inflated and popped.

Law of Economic Intractability: The most difficult field of study on earth is economics. A person can be capable of redefining the laws of physics or harnessing the power of ancient mystical forces to make inflation possible, but still be incapable of figuring out a way of profiting from these abilities.

Law of Misanthropic Adolescent Righteousness: High school is a cruel and amoral place. Justice is completely absent apart from that which is meted out by social outcasts who have mastered some form of inflation. They use their powers to punish the wicked.

First Corollary: Cheerleaders are the most evil beings in existence.
Second Corollary: Ex-girlfriends and ex-boyfriends are also exceedingly evil.