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The Factory

Submitted by throwaway261 on Sun, 04/24/2011 - 02:21

Note: I was told here that nobody really uses the Feedback section and that it would be a good idea to post feedback requests in media related forums (art in Artist's Studio, stories in Writer's Den). This is copied verbatim from an unresponded-to post I made in the Feedback section over a week ago.

I'm looking for a bit of critique on my Prose That Blows #5 entry. It is my first inflation story released publicly on the Internet and I'm looking for any hints, tips, tricks, likes, and dislikes so that I stand a better chance during the next PTB (The Factory tied for 3rd in Best Story).

The story is available in BodyInflation.org's story archive, as well as Prose That Blows' archive and the Floats Your Boat Yahoo group (check Files>Inflation Tales).

The idea behind the story was to come up with a semi-practicle use for body inflation and buoyancy. In the story, the subject lives and works in an industrial plant that pays women to serve as processing devices for a super-light gas. The inflation and floating is but a pleasurable by-product of the production process. I'm thinking of writing another story or two based around the same premise.

Fri, 05/27/2011 - 01:31
#2
throwaway261

Okay. Any other person would say that receiving no critique at all is a good thing. It must mean the thing being critiqued is perfect. I don't believe that. If this story was perfect it would have come in first place in Prose that Blows 5.

Perhaps you haven't read and passed judgement because you only read stories on DeviantArt. If so, you no longer have an excuse, because I have posted a copy there as well. Comment, favorite, provide me with points to improve, etc.

Thank you for your time and critiques.

Formerly known as unknown.

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Fri, 05/27/2011 - 13:19
#3
Pakona

It's a very well-written story, offering vivid details without ruining the story's pace, and an interesting concept that makes me think of a mix between King Bob's story "The cargo" and one of those mindscrew movies like Inception or something.

My only criticism (maybe) is this dream world in your story. Maybe I wasn't reading it correctly but it seems to serve no purpose whatsoever and seemed kind of shoehorned. You were talking about continuing the story so maybe it might be explained later.

Also, sorry for not offering this feedback sooner. Truth be told, I had read the story earlier but wasn't sure if I was the right guy to be offering criticism here.

At any rate, good luck with the writing.

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