Eureka!
"Hello, my name is Jane Hathaway, PhD in biochemistry, and this is an audio log of my current project. Ever since my father was laughed out of the scientific community for his theories on protein bonds, I have dreamed of vindicating his memory. It's taken me years, but finally I've proven his hypothesis correct. But I'm not just going to write a paper that'll be read and forgotten in a few months. No, I have something more impressive in mind. There's a conference next month, and I've been invited to give a presentation. What they don't know is that I'm going to use the opportunity to give a demonstration of my new invention -- the Human Floatation Formula!
It's quite simple, really. Using processes developed by my father, I've synthesized a special protein that can bond to helium molecules, and then coil up like a spring, compacting them together. Since the molecules are no longer repelling each other, the compound acts like a liquid, even at normal temperature and pressure. When ingested, the proteins bond to triglycerides -- that is, body fat -- and then uncoil, allowing the helium to expand, but not to escape its molecular tethers. Visible bodily inflation should then occur, followed, if the dose was sufficiently high, by buoyancy. About one hour later, the proteins will start to break down, and deflation will commence.
Those lab punks will come expecting yet another forgettable PowerPoint slideshow, and instead be treated to something they'll remember: the sight of a buxom woman floating like a balloon as she debunks the modern theory of proteins. I'll make front page news, be interviewed on TV. Everyone will finally see that my father was right!"
"It's almost 6 AM on the day of test #1. My goal for this test is to determine the amount of formula I need to ingest to produce the desired effect: floating and leisurely drifting with the breeze, not simply pulling straight upward on the tether. I am standing in my backyard wearing this digital recorder headset, and holding a plastic bottle of the formula and a set of measuring spoons. I've special ordered a spandex bodysuit for the actual demonstration, but since it hasn't arrived yet, I'm just wearing a one-piece bathing suit. I've tied my right leg to the knob of my back door with fifty feet of nylon butcher's twine, and I'm ingesting 1.5 tablespoons of the formula... now.
Ulch, that was bitter. Oh well, I can investigate adding sweeteners and flavorings some other day. I am beginning to feel a slight tingling sensation, which is slowly -- ah! I can feel it... pressing... from inside me. And now I can see it, too! Eureka! I've done it! As I suspected, the inflation is most noticeable in the parts of my body with the highest concentrations of fat. Namely, my breasts. I am normally a B cup, and I have just reached an apparent C cup and am approaching what appears to be a D cup.
The inflation seems to be progressing to what are unfortunately the next highest concentrations of fat on my body, my thighs. It's taken me hundreds of hours on the stationary bike to stop them from touching, and now it looks like I'll have to feel that sensation again for the next hour. There is also some expansion taking place in my -- erm, my... backside. The back of my swimsuit is getting pinched, I need to remember not to wear any underwear under the bodysuit."
"The tingling sensation has just stopped, so it seems that all the protein molecules in that dose have unravelled. I neglected to bring a measuring tape, but my breasts have settled at around six inches of diameter each, my hips have expanded by roughly three inches on each side, and my backside, although I can't see it to estimate its size, seems to just barely still fit inside my swimsuit. Testing my weight, it appears that I am slightly short of buoyant -- apparently, 1.5 tablespoons wasn't quite enough. The next test will be 1 tablespoon plus two teaspoons, but to make sure the results aren't tainted, I will wait until this dose wears off first.
In the meantime, I can perform some informal experimentation with the effects of near-buoyancy. It's actually quite a lot of fun, possibly more so than actually floating. It feels like I'm walking on air; my legs are under no strain at all. No matter how delicately I take steps, it takes me a couple seconds to come down from each stride. Standing still is difficult as well -- there's a slight breeze that keeps pushing me around. No need to worry, though, there's only about 45 minutes left until I deflate, and I'm tethered at any WWWWWWWHHHHHHHOOOOAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!!"
"I apologize for that outburst, but a powerful gust of wind suddenly yanked me off my feet and spun me around for a while. I'm back on the ground and unharmed, but in the confusion I dropped my measuring spoons somewhere and I can't see where they landed. It's too dangerous to continue the test today, so I'm heading back to the house right now. At least, I'm trying to. It's hard to make progress against the breeze; my feet keep slipping on the grass."
"It appears that my tether has gotten snagged on something in the grass, probably a buried branch. It took me forever to make it this far against the wind, so I'm just going to try to shake it loose... Oops, I appear to have shaken loose the knot around my ankle instead. If I can just -- carefully -- make it the last few steps to the door -- oh no, oh no ohnoOHNO!"
"As you can probably guess from my outburst a few minutes ago, another gust of wind has plucked me off the ground. This one doesn't seem to be letting up, either. I'm already a block away from my house and well over any roofs or trees I could conceivably grab on to. Oh god, I hope no one sees me right now, I'm overflowing both ends of my swimsuit. As soon as the breeze dies down and I drift back to Earth, I'm going to grab a fence or something and hold myself down until the inflation wears off, and then finish the rest of my testing INDOORS."
"Well, I never reached the ground, because the wind seems to have led me into a thermal updraft. It's almost 7 AM, and I am currently several hundred feet above the ground, still waiting to deflate. Fortunately, the release will be slow and gradual, so I'm in no danger of falling to my death. I've tried to start the process early by squeezing on my body, but the proteins bonds seem to be too strong to be broken that way.
Wait, I think it's starting! I hear hissing, and I can feel the gas escaping from... various orifices. And it feels like I'm falling now, instead of rising. Finally, this horrible experience is almost over! If I land close to home, I can make it back in time to write a decent presentation on my father's findings, cancel my plane tickets, and DRIVE to the conference *hsssssssssssssssssSSSSS!* AAAAAAAIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!! I'm FALLING?! All of the sudden, I just deflated all at once and now I'm free-falling towards the ground! Ohmygod ohmygod ohmygod WAIT! I still have the bottle of formula! *glug glug glug* I hope that was enough. Cmon, inflate! Work, you stupid formula! Cmon cmon cmon YES YES faster faster FASTER FASTER... it worked! I'm slowing down! And that tree should be good for breaking my fall and keeping me down for an hour. Just a few more seconds until I reach it... maybe more than a few... wait, stop! I mean, keep going, KEEP GOING! NOOOOOOO, not back up in the air!"
"I just realized that it's almost night and I still haven't updated my log. To make a long story short, every time I deflate I start plummeting, every time I plummet I have to drink more formula, and every time I drink more formula I inflate again and float back up to where I started. I've been trying to estimate exactly how much I have to take to reach the ground without smashing into it, but without my spoons it's impossible to measure amounts accurately. I don't know why the protein decay accelerates so drastically; maybe my father's theories were flawed after all.
I did manage manage to reach the ground a couple of times. The first was in an empty mall parking lot, though, and I didn't have time to reach anything to hold on to before I became buoyant again. The second time I landed in someone's garden, and grabbed hold of a trellis which was sturdy enough to hold me down. I realize now that I should have called for help at that point, but repeated stretching seems to have elasticized my skin to the point that at full inflation, my... forward and backward protrusions... approach the size of basketballs. My swimsuit can't begin to cover them, and I was just too embarrassed to let anyone see me like this. As I was waiting to deflate, a bee came over to investigate me. I haven't done much research on the effects of a puncture wound on an inflated body, but explosive decompression is definitely a possibility. I tried to shoo it away with one hand, but when it landed on my thigh I freaked out and let go.
It's bad enough that I've been yo-yoing all day, but the real problem is, I'm about three-quarters of the way through the bottle, and once I run out, that's it. Nothing to do but bend over and kiss my helium-filled butt goodbye. Darn it, this is so frustrating! If only there were some way I could regulate my... I've got it!"
"It's 7:43 PM, and I'm currently descending slowly and steadily toward an open field. I don't know why I didn't think of this before! All I have to do is wait until I start to descend, then squeeze my nipples and clench my rear, and the helium has nowhere to escape! It looks like I'm headed toward a public park, possibly a soccer field. Oh no, not dandelions, I'm allergic to -- ah -- ah -- ahCHOO! *HSSSSSSSSS* AAAAAAAIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!! *THUMP* *glug* *glug* *glug* *glug* *glug*"
"*erk* It looks like I'm *urf* not in the clear yet. When I *urp* sneezed a minute ago, I reflexively *arg* moved to cover my mouth, which of *oof* course meant I let go of my nipples. The sudden *pbt* deflation sent me spinning head over *erk* heels before I hit the ground. That's not the *oof* worst part, though. I'd stashed *arg* the formula bottle in my *urp* cleavage to keep my hands free, and it *urg* must have slipped free, because when *pbt* I fell on my back, it landed in my mouth. By the *erk* time I came to my senses, *arg* the whole bottle had run down my throat. So now I'm running as fast *urg* as I can toward a nearby soccer goal *oof* before I take to the air *pbt* again. I picked up a few clods of earth *urp* and shoved them down the front *erk* of my suit, to buy myself a little time, but *urf* I don't know how long I have.
As you can no doubt *urg* surmise from my *erk* flatulent demeanor, the pressure is rapidly *urp* building to uncomfortable levels. My *pbt* bosom has risen to the point *urf* where it is beginning to obstruct my *urp* view, and I can feel my overblown *oof* buttocks competing with each *erk* other for space as I *urg* pump my legs. In *arg* addition, it appears that *oof* the proteins have saturated the *urf* fatty portions of my body and are now bonding *erk* to leaner territory. Specifically, my stomach has *oof* inflated to third-trimester proportions, *pbt* and shows no sign of stopping. *urg* I can only hope my swimsuit holds out, because *erk* if it rips open, all the dirt I've shoved *arg* into it will fall out, and then... it's getting harder to move... legs stiffening... almost... there... *RRRRRIIIIIIIPPPPPPP*"
"Well, I didn't score a goal, but I at least hit a post. That is to say, I managed to grab the top bar with one hand as I was floating past. I'm trying to reach around with my other hand to get a more secure grip, but even my arms have inflated, and the pressure has pushed my body into a rigid T-shape. Still, I think I can hold out until... oh no. Please God no. The inflation! It's not stopping! It's even getting into my fingers! It's forcing them... UUUUUUUUWWWWWWWWWWAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!"
"This may be my final journal entry. I'm currently floating so high that cloud cover prevents me from seeing where I am, and still climbing. It's possible that I'll land in a body of water, survive the fall, and be able to swim to shore. It's also possible that as I ascend, decreasing atmospheric pressure will cause me to expand until I burst. There's even the possibility that my body is so saturated with the formula that the proteins have bonded with each other, in which case I might never deflate at all!
In case anyone finds this log, I know I've stored a copy of the formula and instructions for its manufacture in memory, and I can't delete them from here. I beg of you: don't try it! It's not worth the risk!"