Big Bang, The

or, "2002: An Inflation Oddity"

He was in his apartment when he started to inflate.

It took only moments for his body to inflate into an enormous ball, a ballooning sphere that quickly filled his confines. He marveled at how full and round he was and at how rapidly he was increasing in size. That he might burst never occurred to him. He didn't question how or why he was inflating; the only question was, How big?

His body knocked over furniture as it bloated up and out, and soon he found himself compressed tighter and tighter as his body searched for more room but not finding any. His body continued to inflate, pressing against the wall with ever-intensifying pressure. The pressure kept building, his body refusing to stop growing.

And then the walls burst apart, allowing him to expand freely once again. He inflated twice as fast--then three times, four times... Soon he was larger than the entire building had been.

He smiled as he grew larger and so much faster. People were already ants to him. He knew he would become bigger than the whole city.

He did. And he still inflated bigger and faster. Bigger than a mountain... an ocean... a continent...

He said it as his body dwarfed the visible sky: I'm going to be bigger than the world!

BIGGER THAN THE WORLD!!

Planet Earth could no longer contain him as he equaled its size... and then he doubled it! Tripled it! He inflated... inflated... inflated...

He was bigger than Jupiter.

Bigger than the sun.

Bigger than the Milky Way galaxy.

He burst through the Oort Cloud, scattering planet-sized asteroids into every known pocket of the universe. He engulfed solar system after solar system, galaxy after galaxy.

It wasn't enough. He wasn't even started. He inflated countless light-years with every growth surge.

He was bigger than anything ever contained in the universe. But still he expanded and inflated, so much bigger than anything ever created.

Anything, of course, except the universe itself. And it seemed to shrink with every passing second.

Time and space lost all meaning, seemingly intimidated by the growing sphere that consumed all. He inflated for an immeasurable period, growing exponentially larger with every quadrant of the universe humbled beneath him.

Until at last... he grew into uncharted regions of space and time, seeing nothing but blackness until he looked "up" to somehow see a sign that read:

END OF THE UNIVERSE

He laughed. At last! He would be the biggest thing... EVER! Bigger than all Creation! Bigger than the UNIVERSE!

As he grew bigger and closer to the sign, he read beneath the message:

Seriously, Dude. You're getting too big.

But this just made him want to inflate more! Inflate even bigger! So big that he would crash through that sign and be larger than imagination itself!

The sign continued in even smaller writing:

You're gonna burst. I'm warning you.

He was almost to the sign now. It grew smaller as he approached it, reaching an unfathomable size. "Look at me! Look! I'm the biggest thing ever! I'm going to be bigger than the universe, do you hear? I AM GOING TO BE BIGGER THAN THE UNIV--"

But at that moment...

He awoke. He lay in bed for a moment, trying to grasp what had happened. For a few painful moments, he dealt with cold reality.

"NO!" he shouted, throwing himself from the bed. "It can't be a dream! It just CAN'T! I was going to be bigger than the universe!!"

He had to make it happen. It had to be true. He had to inflate! He breathed and pushed and strained. Pushing, pushing, pushing, ... forcing his body to obey. He must inflate!

And then his body inflated. He laughed as his body blew up like a balloon, growing into an ever-enlarging sphere that quickly filled up his apartment.

"It's going to happen!" he shouted to the room. "I'm going to be bigger than everyone and everything! I'll inflate until I'm bigger than this room, this building, this city!

"Then I'll be bigger than the world!

"Bigger than the galaxy!

"BIGGER THAN THE UNIV--"

And then he popped.