Hey I have a question can you write a suit inflation story
My First Story: Alex's Blimp Belly
Hey guys, this is my first attempt at a story, it's called Alex's Blimp Belly. It's about a girl I went to school with who I always wanted to inflate to crazy proportions...and the premise is based on one of her parties I went to. Let me know what you think so far, it's not done and probably doesn't make sense in points. Thanks!
It didn't take long for Alex to realise the crawl space above the pool house was extremely small. Maybe this wasn't such a good hiding place. Still, she did fit. Her denim short shorts and black and white bikini top held her well as she lay in the space. The space had a window, but she backed away from it. Shrouded in darkness, she was completely invisible. Her best friend Sarah had no hope. 'Ready or not, here I come!' Sarah yelled.
As Alex waited, an odd feeling came over her. Her denim shorts, usually very generous in their fit, suddenly felt as if they were too small. Alex looked down to find her formerly flat belly now had a distinct, fat, bulge. No doubt, the shorts still fit Alex, but instead of looking perfect, she now looked like an overly confident, chubby teenager that had to squeeze into the trendy clothes, and was barely able to.
Deciding to ignore her pressing problem for a second, Alex looked around for Sarah. She couldn't be seen, so Alex was safe for now.
Alex looked down again to find her belly now sticking out by nearly a foot in front of her. Her denim shorts gave a creak of protest as she continued to grow. They were well made shorts but even they had limits. Alex grimaced as she felt the waistband run out of stretch and begin to strain. She tried to take a deep breath and hold her belly in, but when she let go her belly bulged out even further. The single golden button on the shorts gave a desperate groan.
"Sarah...something's wrong with me!" Alex cried out as the noises from the denim grew louder. Sarah, dressed in a tight blue bikini, heard Alex and rushed over to the pool house to investigate. When she arrived, Alex no longer blended in to the darkness of the window. All that was visible in the window was Alex's now giant, fleshy belly, complete with piercings, pushing against the glass. It turned white with the pressure.
"Alex! You're...fat!" Sarah yelled. There was no response. In fact, Alex couldn't really hear anything. Her belly, which had expanded even further and finally burst the button on her denim shorts, was blocking the glass and muffling any noise.
Her breasts had also begun to expand, but the black and white bikini top was holding, for now, albeit with bulges out the sides, top, and bottom of the cups. Alex looked down, now unable to see her feet, just three enormous bulges, of which her belly was by far the biggest. A massive shredding noise signaled the end of the tortured shorts. "Someone help me!" she cried out, but Sarah had gone to call an ambulance.
With the creaky denim shorts destroyed, Alex thought that all she could do now was wait. Perhaps she could figure out how to lose all this horrible fat. But, freed from the cheap denim, Alex's body now had no restrictions, and was able to grow even faster. Her belly tripled in size in under 30 seconds, pushing against the sides of the space. Soon, there was a new creaking sound.
First there was the creak, then a low, pained groan. The noises weren't coming from Alex. They weren't coming from the bikini top, it was overloaded but not at it's maximum design capacity, and her shorts had burst. The groaning, she figured out, was coming from the floor of the crawl space. Alex didn't know how much she weighed now, but obviously the crawl space had never been designed for such a huge weight.
"Sarah! Help me!" Alex screamed as she began to feel the floor sag. She squeezed over to the entrance to the crawl space, and tried to get out. Her head fit through fine, her boobs brushed the sides, but there was no way her mammoth belly was going to fit. She pushed and pushed, turned red with effort, sweated, to no avail. Her swollen belly was about three sizes too big for the gap.
Hanging half out over the ladder, Alex's boobs started to grow again. The bikini had fought well, but it had its limits and began to fray against the huge weight. The straps began to split, and the plastic hooks holding the cups began to bend. Something had to give, and with boobs at least 5 cup sizes too big, the black and white bikini burst with a loud snap. Alex's new, enormous boobs continued to bulge at a ridiculous speed.
"I HAVE to get out of here!" Alex moaned, thinking about how she could force her fat belly through the gap. But before she could try again, the floor of the crawl space gave it's final tortured groan, and gave out. Alex screamed as her weight made the boards beneath her splinter and snap, tearing through the ceiling of the room below.
Alex fell from the space, landing in Sarah's bedroom below. The bed she landed on immediately disintegrated under the massive weight, and, for the first time, Alex got an actual look at her new body. Immediately below her face were her breasts. Once petite and polite B cups, the now heavy and distended bulges were at least a G cup. Below that, a massive, fleshy orb bulged from where her once flat, athletic belly used to be. Even sitting up, Alex couldn't see her feet.
Sarah still hadn't returned, but Alex knew she had to get to a hospital. What if she popped? Surely her body had limits... "Ughhh!" she moaned as she tried to get up. "I'm so fucking heavy!" her face quickly turned red with the effort and began to tremble, as she pushed again and again. It was no use. Her petite frame, which would have struggled badly even with a twin pregnancy, was completely defeated by her sudden obesity.
Inside the main house, Sarah was calling an ambulance.
"111 Emergency, Police, Ambulance or Fire?"
"Ambulance!"
"Ambulance, what is the emergency."
"help! My friend...she's...she's growing!"
"growing, ma'am?"
"Growing! We were playing hide and seek and she hid in a crawl space and she started to grow! Like...she randomly started gaining weight! She's so fat! Her belly is enormous! She's got like, pornstar boobs and I think she's too heavy for the roof! You have to help her!"
The 111 operator couldn't believe what he was hearing. What the panicked girl was describing was exactly his secret fetish. He struggled to control his thoughts and ignore his growing hard-on. How big was this girl? Would she pop? He forced himself to concentrate.
"OK ma'am, please specify the address and an ambulance will be with you shortly."
"SARAH! Help me!" Alex yelled, sobbing gently. "How did I get so fucking fat?", she moaned, unable to stop looking at her bloated new figure. Footsteps approached, and Sarah walked into the poorhouse. She was unable to see Alex's belly in the glass anymore.
"Sarah! In here!"
Sarah rounded the corner and turned white with shock. "Alex...?" Her best friend was unrecognizable. "Help me get up, please!!" Alex squealed.
Sarah went to the bed and took each of her friends hands and began to pull. She couldn't believe the sheer weight behind them. "Pull!" Sarah pulled with all her might, and Alex pushed with hers. Both girls bodies were at their limits, and Sarah began to moan in pain. "You're...too...heavy!" Sarah moaned, turning red and beginning to tire. "Just a bit...more!" Alex puffed. With a collective cry, Alex was pulled to her feet, and Sarah flung backwards.
Once standing, Alex's belly did not sag or droop, but bulged out straight ahead, in a defiantly pregnant manner. Her boobs rested atop her belly and were clearly bigger than her
head. The floor beneath her creaked loudly under the steadily increasing weight.
"Alex...I rang an ambulance. You need help."
"No shit Sarah! In 15 minutes I've turned into a huge blimp! I destroyed your pool house AND all your bed! But there's no way I'm going in an ambulance...that'd be so embarrasing! You have to drive me to the hospital."
Sarah gulped. She didn't want to hurt alex's feelings, but she honestly doubted whether her car could carry Alex. But this girl was her best friend, ad damnit, she'd try. "I'll go back it up" she said, and left.
Alex meanwhile had to find something to wear. It was bad enough turning up to the hospital at her size, but worse if she was naked. Waddling over to her bag, she began pulling bits of clothing out. She flung items that she knew would never fit her again, quickly coming to the bottom of the pile.
"Hey. That might work..." she whispered, picking up the garment. It was a blue Spandex suit, designed for excersing. Alex gave it an exploratory tug. It stretched extremely well. "Well...guess that's my only option" she sighed, moving towards the bathroom to change. The floor continued to creak under her feet, and as Alex reached the bathroom, she realised she had a problem. "Oh my god...nonono..." as she reached the door, her belly nudged into either side of the frame. An exploratory push led the doorframe to give a creak of protest. A further push was unsuccessful. She was too big to fit through. "Are you fucking kidding me?" Alex began to sob again. "I can't FIT through a door? I guess I'll just have to change here..."
Remembering she had no clothes to remove, she put one flabby leg inside the spandex and pulled it up. It stretched around her much thicker legs with no problems, even maintaining it's deep blue colour despite the strain. "Well...I guess that works..." Alex said, feeling more confident. She pulled the spandex up further, allowing it to reach the enormous bulge of her belly. Taking a huge breath in, Alex pulled her belly back as far as possible, grabbed the spandex tightly, and pulled upwards. The spandex instantly became transparent as it tried to stretch around Alex's huge globe-shaped bulge, and the effort of pulling led Alex to cry out in pain. "Come on!" she squealed, pulling as hard as she could. Finally, with a loud 'phwump', the spandex shot over her belly and covered her boobs. Waddling to the mirror on the wall, Alex gave a gasp. The blue outfit was entirely transparent over her enormous belly, revealing her strained belly button, and making no secret of just how fat she had become. Her breasts stretched the seams of the garment to capacity, and much larger rear ensured the zip had no chance of closing. But at least she was able to squeeze into something. Turning around, Alex forced herself through the double doors of the pool house, outside to where Sarah was waiting with her car.
When Sarah saw Alex, she gulped loudly. Her friend had forced herself into her tiny blue spandex suit, which was filled beyond capacity and ready to burst. If anything, it made her look even larger than she was, and certainly made her look too large for her tiny Toyota hatchback. "Alex...are you sure about this?" Sarah asked nervously. "I really don't think you'll fit in my car."
"What am I going to do then? Pop without even trying to get to the hospital?" Alex pushed past Sarah angrily, and threw the backdoor open. Initially confident, Alex soon realised the task ahead of her. Her belly was at least 2 feet wider than the door, and the space in the car was far too small. "Sarah...help me? You just have to push as hard as you can." Alex said, looking at her best friend.
Sarah saw the look on Alex's face and didn't hesitate. What if her best friend did pop? Surely her body had limits...
"OK, put your head in first and then we'll worry about your um...belly." Sarah said as she lined Alex up. Alex put her head in the car and Sarah began to push, beginning to squeeze her best friend in. Her boobs brushed the sides of the doorway, but fit, but it was her belly that was again the problem. "PUSH!" yelled Alex, "You're too big" yelled Sarah, "That belly is enormous!" she said as she watched it try and smoosh into the car, "Can you suck it in?" she asked. "Suck it in?! Suck it in?!" yelled Alex, "This isn't me trying to squeeze into a slightly tight pair of jeans, I weigh half a ton!"
Sarah continued to push, but it didn't seem like she was making progress, until Alex suggested she try some butter or oil to smooth her belly. With anither PHWUMP! Alex shot into the car, which immediately groaned under the weight.
Hey man, I could try at some point but am looking to perfect this story first, just need some feedback :)
Anyone got feedback for me?
Learn, then employ, correct paragraph and dialogue structure.
...about the content of the story?
It's really hard to get through the content when the structure is so bad. I suspect the reason you haven't had any feedback is because,as a reader, why would anyone want to take the time to read the story if you cannot be bothered to write it properly? You're asking people to comment on the colour of the house you built when it has no roof.
The structure is rough, considering it's a first draft, but I don't think it's that bad. I've had some good feedback over at InflateChan but I wanted to get some here as well. People have bothered reading it over there, so I think it's just you who thinks it is that bad. But thanks anyway. :)
You asked for feedback and then received an astute and sincere comment from one of the best and prolific writers in the community. Instead of listening and taking her excellent advice under consideration, you made an appeal to authority and decided to ignore the commentary as invalid.
What you have just taught everyone is that you are only interested in accolades and that they should not bother commenting on your stories.
[quote]I've had some good feedback over at InflateChan but I wanted to get some here as well. People have bothered reading it over there[/quote]
Given this rather arrogant and condescending remark my first instinct was to ignore your story entirely. Clearly anyone who has some criticisms of your story really didn't read it at all. That's a pretty asshole-ish way of accepting feedback and I almost decided that this response wouldn't be worth the effort. But I decided to be a good sport and give it a read, and I have to agree with ATG's assertions.
When writing stories with dialogue, one character's set of dialogue gets its own entire paragraph. Toward the end of the story you have a few paragraphs that include entire back-and-forth exchanges between the two characters. This makes it extremely difficult to follow where the dialogue is coming from, especially in the case of the largest paragraph (6th from the end). If most people see a big block of text with quotes scattered throughout, their natural response will be to skim it or forgo it entirely. Smaller paragraphs, with dialogue separated into its own paragraphs, make for a story that is easy to read.
My critique will go beyond the structure, though. The plot and characters are not believable at all. I know that reading any inflation story requires some suspension of disbelief, and I'm taking that into account, but still. Even excusing the fact that the inflation started suddenly and for no apparent reason (perhaps that is explained in a sequel), there are lots of other events that take place without any reason other than they just happen.
- Would Alex, upon realizing that she was expanding, really "ignore her pressing problem" just to keep hiding from her friend?
- The dispatch operator with the secret fetish? Come on, this throw-in absolutely serves no purpose in the story. I almost gave up on the story here.
- Forgoing an ambulance (because it would be "too embarrassing" to be around other people) in favor of a sedan? When the ambulance would have fit her body much better? When she'll be around other people once they get to the hospital anyway? Get real. I REALLY wanted to stop reading here.
I could go on. The whole story is superficial from top to bottom, and I don't think much of it could be chalked up to its "rough draft" status. You do get good marks for spelling and grammar though; terrible spelling and grammar is another thing that makes me want to claw my eyes out while reading stories, but that didn't happen here.
I've never been to InflateChan so I don't know what the community is like over there. Here, though, people actually do strive to become better writers and they are usually able to take any criticisms as constructive. When you ask for feedback on your stuff you had better be prepared to take the good and the bad. And not wanting to hear bad things about your work is one thing, but there's a better way to go about it besides the pedantic "you must not have really read it" schtick you pulled earlier. You won't win many friends here with that kind of attitude.
...anybody? :)