Rubbermaid: Bottled Up

The Boss had broken out of prison and the entire police force (including detective Mord aka Rubber Maid) was following up every lead that may lead to his recapture. Mord was just checking in early one morning when Clancy called out “call on line 2 Mord. It sounds like one of your stool pigeons.” “Thanks Clancy” detective Mord replies as she crosses to her desk to pick up the phone. As soon as Mord picks up the phone, a hurried voice jabbers out at her. “Mord, this is Stu, don’t talk, just listen. I may not have much time. I’m at Ace bottling. The Boss is here.” Suddenly, Mord hears a loud noise like a gunshot from the phone A clattering sound that could be a phone being dropped follows the presumed gunshot. Mord drops her phone and rushes out of the squad room. Her destination, Ace bottling.

When Mord arrives at Ace bottling, it’s locked up tighter then a drum. Ace went bankrupt a few years ago, and the building has stood empty since then. Finding no normal means of access, Mord decides it’s time for Rubber Maid to take over. (Mord was changed into rubber at her last meeting with the Boss.) Mord strips down to her rubber undergarments, wishing not for the first time that there were a superhero clothing store somewhere in town. She then stretches to the top of the building to find another way inside. A pipe with a six inch diameter protrudes from the roof, giving easy access to the elastic superheroine. Mord slips her body feet first into the narrow confines of the pipe, confident that she will catch the Boss by surprise and easily recapture him. Her confidence is short lived however. As her head vanishes into the pipe, two things happen that convince her that she may have been expected. An object is dropped into the pipe, and accelerates toward her trapped body with the roar of jet engines, and the pipe is greased on the inside. The missile catches up with her and hurls her down the pipe. At the bottom of the pipe is a funnel that her body is pushed through. As her body is squeezed out of the narrow funnel opening, it’s caught by a small plastic bottle that’s attached underneath. When Rubber Maid is done spilling into the bottle, her unseen tormentor caps the bottle with a sport drink cap, and pushes the cap down shut. From the cramped confines of her 20 oz. Prison, Rubber Maid can now look out helplessly at her captor. “Some super hero!” taunts the blond vixon. “A faked phone call, a little play acting, and you come rushing into a trap.” Her tormentor flips the bottle into the air repeatedly as she’s talking, catching it by the neck each time. She then slams the bottle onto a table and screams “What makes you think you’re a match for my lover the Boss!!! My name’s Popher by the way, “she continues in a more normal tone of voice, “and I’m giving you to the Boss as a birthday present.” Popher carries the bottle over a basin filled with a strange looking mixture. “This stuff will soften the plastic and make you ready for stage 2 of your final imprisonment. I promise it’s going to be very painful for you.” As the bottle sits in the basin, Popher slips a plastic balloon over an airhose that’s attached to a large tank of helium. (if you didn’t see this coming, shame on you!) The bottle is removed from the basin, and Popher shoves the balloon shrouded air hose down the valve in the bottle top and into Rubber Maids captive mouth. Popher then turns the valve on the tank, sending a stream of helium into the trapped superheroine. The rush of helium begins to expand the bottle and it’s contents into a large plastic ball. When Rubber Maid’s plastic prison is a three foot translucent sphere, Popher closes the valve for a few moments. The villain strokes Rubber Maid’s rounded, almost transparent body for a few long moments. “It’s a shame the Boss is in such a hurry to turn you into a balloon. The way you are right now makes you perfect for so many things. I could turn you into a big gumball machine for example. I would fill you with gumballs and charge a dollar for each turn of the crank. If I got bored with that, I could fill you with beer and have a kegger. It might be fun to use you for a frozen yogurt machine to.” (any one want to do a story or picture based on these fantasies, go for it!)

Popher passes her hand over Rubber Maid one last time, and then opens the valve once more. “It might have been fun, but the Boss wants you to be a balloon, and he is the Boss.” Rubber Maid continues expanding, larger and larger until the helium makes her rise from the floor. As she rises into the air, the overhead lights shine darkly through her formerly ebony body. The lights grow brighter as Rubber Maid’s expanding body becomes more and more transparent. A sound of a toilet flushing proceeds the arrival of the Boss into the room. “Your timing sucks Mord. I was in the can when you dropped in. Did you have any trouble with her Popher?” the Boss demands of his henchwoman. “Not a bit lover! Happy birthday darling, do you like your present? A big blimp ready to float away. I caught it myself!” The Boss looks up at Rubber Maid’s huge body, and grins wickedly. “What to do, what to do” he remarks to himself. I could just leave you here, a laughing stock and a disgrace to the force, or I could just tell Popher” at this, the Boss pauses, savoring the moment, and relishing what he’s about to say. The boss suddenly turns to his lover and shouts out “Pop her Popher.” Popher opens the helium valve wide open declaring “This should make her pop like a cheap over inflated balloon!!” If the supply of helium held out, Rubber Maid would have indeed popped. The tank chose that moment to run out of gas, and the hose fell out of Rubber Maid’s mouth.

The Boss pulls out a gun, determined to have Rubber Maid go out with a bang. As he takes aim at the giant transparent sphere, Popher intervenes. “Boss honey, When she pops, it’s going to be one hell of an explosion. I’m not sure it’s smart to be in the same room with her when that happens. It might not be safe.” The Boss hesitates, contemplating the advise he was just given. A loud rumbling from the direction of Rubber Maid’s over extended body interrupts his thoughts. “You may be right Popher” he shouts over the continued rumbling of a balloon that’s ready to pop. “Let’s get out of here.” The two villains rush out of the room, locking the door behind them, confident that Rubber Maid will explode in a few moments. The Maid of Rubber is also convinced that she’s about to pop, and prepares herself for the end as best she can. “At this point, death would be a release!!” she screams silently to herself. “ I can’t believe the pain! Please make it stop!! “Will I feel it when I pop, or will I die before I can feel anything more?” The rumbling continues for a few moments more, and then stops suddenly. A hissing sound comes from inside Rubber Maid” The balloon inside of her can’t take the stress, and has developed a tear that is leaking helium. Mord allows the helium to spill out of her and into the second balloon, and then positions herself by the valve. As she pushes the valve open, the pressure behind her squirts the elastic detective out of the balloon, and into the toilet in the next room. As Rubber Maid is pushed down the waste pipe, the second balloon begins to rumble. The inside balloon has caught in the valve Mord escaped from, preventing the balloon from deflating. The rumbling continues for a moment, the balloon shivers, and then with a mighty roar, it pops. The building leaps up and out with the explosion, burying the Boss and Popher underneath the rubble.

Hours later, Rubber Maid crawls out from the buried sewer pipe. It took a long time to become human shaped again, and she still hurts all over her much abused body. She is however a cop, and she still has a job to do. After much searching, she finds the dastardly pair that tried to kill her in such a bizarre fashion. As she drags out her prisoners, she smiles, and is glad to be alive.