RPing while in relationships

24 posts / 0 new

Wed, 10/10/2012 - 17:06

Anonymous

Hey gang,

I brought up a question to a friend of mine the other night as we were talking about our fetish and relationships and I beg the question: do you think it's wrong to roleplay with other people if you are currently in a relationship?

Their feelings on the matter was that this was their secret life, it was under the same umbrella as pornography and since they weren't actually having sex with the other person. Their partner knows that they have a fetish, yet do not indulge them in it.

My opinion on the matter is that I feel that it is wrong to do so. I understad that a fetish is no basis for any sort of serious relationship, and that if a person is in a relationship with someone you really like or even love but who doesnt engage in their fetish with them, its pretty much tough shit. I feel like though you step oitside those boundaries when it comes to roleplaying because you are getting sexual gratification from another person that is pandering specifically to you. That to me is the separation between RPing and pornography and when it becomes being unfaithful to your partner.

On one hand, I feel the persons need to fulfill their fantasies ehen their partner wont in the least compromising way possible, but on the other hand, isn't it becoming a problem at that point that you are seeking sexual gratification from others because you can't get it from your partner?

i'm so confused right now on how to feel about this, what are your guys thoughts?

Wed, 10/10/2012 - 20:48

vopeviji

I can't really help you there to be honest. I don't think I would RP wile in a relationship, because if my partner would find out, I'd be in real trouble.

What I do insted is using my fetish like porn. I seach up stories, artwork or just write my own stories. But than again, I don't like RP to much. It's just not my thing so I won't put a judge on this. Sorry.

I live by a motto saying: What they don't know, don't hurt!

Thu, 10/11/2012 - 01:28

MixMaster (not verified)

Im sorry man, but what they don't know, won't hurt them, until they find out and it hurts them, it doesn't fly with me. It assumes no accountability for your actions and is a poor excuse.

Thu, 10/11/2012 - 05:03

lillyjade

Reposting what I said in the chatzy, to contribute to the topic.

If you want to know if you should roleplay while in a relationship (speaking generally, I know this doesn't apply to you personally, Mix) you should really just come out and ask your significant other. If you're not comfortable asking, then you definitely shouldn't be comfortable doing. Besides: shouldn't she or he know what your buttons are? If she or he can't take it, then perhaps you don't belong with them. If the two of you truly care about each other, then she or he will accept you for who you are, kinks included.

Thu, 10/11/2012 - 09:53

nineteenthly

This is why i don't RP. However, it might go further than that because if you write a story or draw a picture, you're turning someone on somewhere, so what's the difference? Having said that, of course i do that.

http://www.youtube.com/user/nineteenthly

Thu, 10/11/2012 - 11:01

HeavyMetalBlood (not verified)

I personally feel that RPing even while in a relationship is a pretty deuschy thing to do, but that might just be me.

Thu, 10/11/2012 - 12:59

nineteenthly

It is difficult though, because not everyone is able to be turned on much by anything else and if you're desires are as unusual as this it can make you asexual and cuts down on your choice of partner, so what are you supposed to do? Also, what if your partner does the same with something else?

http://www.youtube.com/user/nineteenthly

Thu, 10/11/2012 - 19:02

MixMaster (not verified)

Nineteenthly, what I think you fail to realize the difference between making some sort of content and roleplaying.

To me, its like marketing, indirect and direct. Indirect is like making content, or like an advertisement on the radio, its free for everyone to see. Roleplaying is direct, much like your door to door salesmen. You are purposefully seeking someone out to get your jollies.

Thu, 10/11/2012 - 21:29

thehypester

It is not cool. Mix, your instinct is right here, and lillyjade has the way of it. Even writing an inflation story doesn't involve someone else. I think, for the most part, two people who enjoy different things is natural. A give and take between those things makes a relationship. Seeking to fulfill that want and desire outside of the couple is a bad sign.

If you can't breach this with your SO, you know it isn't right. Period.

Inflation: Not just for economics anymore!

Fri, 10/12/2012 - 00:11

#10

vopeviji

I'm not sure what America is all about. But where I'm from, I wouldn't tell you what's wrong and right, because that's pretty personal. I rather ask you, what do you feel about what's wrong and right? Would you feel it's wrong to RP wile in a relationship? It doesn't really matter what people tell you, because it's ultimately your decition.

I believe that applies for most things in life. It's like owning a car. People might tell you it's old, ugly and dangerous. But what you feel about that car is, that it's a lovely old veteran and it's perfectly safe to drive. And there are many rules in a relationship, you have swinger who like to have sex with diffrent partners, is that wrong? Some couples watch porn seperatly, is that wrong?

So no, I wouldn't go as far as telling you that RP is cheating. I rather say, do you feel like you're cheating?

At least those are the questions I would ask myself if I ever started to doubt my own mind. You're the one in controll of your mind, you decide how you feel and think about.

Fri, 10/12/2012 - 00:29

#11

nineteenthly

I agree with you - you can't generalise about relationships or tell others what they should do.

Regarding the marketing, that's really interesting because i have huge problems deciding how far to go with publicity in my everyday life, and i wonder if it's about unclear boundaries.

http://www.youtube.com/user/nineteenthly

Fri, 10/12/2012 - 03:54

#12

MixMaster (not verified)

Im not telling people how to live their lives, its not like I can control any of that anyway. I'll leave that up to the churches, goddamn them -_-;

However, I am asking people to think critically about their actions and how they effect other people, especially the ones they care about. If you feel that there is nothing dubious about fetish roleplaying with other people while you are in a relationship with someone who is unaware of your actions and most likely would not approve, that's your opinion and problem in my humble opinion. We can get into the particulars of a slew of different situations, but this one specifically struck a note due to the details of the debacle.

Nineteenthly, I do understand your post about limiting your pool of choices to make as far as partners and have thought that as well. It's basically tough shit. Though, I think it ultimately boils down to your values. Would you rather have the person who deeply loves you or the person who shares a sexual fantasy with you? Like you said, And let's be honest: 9/10 in this situation, you are not going to be able to have your cake and it eat too, although I'm sure that is to be desired. If I had to choose, option one, all day Again, lets stay honest here, a sexual fetish really isnt the best cornerstone for a serious relationship, is it? Though not to discredit dominatrix/S&M practicioners, seeing as how we have seen that actually work out quite often, it is more than often not the case with other fetishes.

Vopeviji, I agree with your philosophy as well to an extent, it really is all about how you feel about the subject and be damned if someone is going to try to tell you how to live your life. Swingers will swing, perverts will perv. However, I don't know what country you are from, but in the United States, it is pretty common when people are in a healthy relationship, they stick with one person unless an understanding has come between the two that one or both like to have sex with multiple partners. I will grant you though, it hardly ever works out nice and peachy like that, probably is a contributing factor in why our divorce rate in this country is relatively high.

After mulling it over, I'm still going to stick to my gut on this one. I still think its wrong to withhold things like this from your partner if you know they wouldnt approve and not a healthy way of conducting a relationship. Maybe its not "wrong" per se if you go with the "what they don't know wont hurt them" train of logic, but you can't argue that it's not healthy and more than likely will end badly if the partner were to find out.

And fuck... That was way too much typing to be done on an IPhone.

Fri, 10/12/2012 - 08:08

#13

nineteenthly

It is quite academic for me because as it happens i've been happily married for nearly twenty years now and it's not an issue or something i hide. My wife saw this conversation going on last night in fact. Whether it's something which can make or break a relationship is complicated. For instance, i can imagine one person disliking oral sex and the other really enjoying it, and it would mean something to the other person to tolerate that particular proclivity, so it could happen sometimes. There's a spectrum of tastes here, which might be acquired. At one end are the things i would never do, no matter what. Next to that are those activities i wouldn't be into, but would do to please my wife, and that might build up some kind of debt in the other person's mind meaning that you too would get to do the things you want that the other person isn't that keen on. In the middle is the paradise of what you turns you both on. Then there's the reflection of the other side. If inflation is in the "never do" category, that's difficult for both people. However, the boundaries between these categories might move depending on what else is going on in your relationship and what kind of person you are.

For me personally, RP mustn't happen, but on the other hand i'm happy to show my face and talk to camera in those videos and throw stuff out there like the stories. It's just my choice and what I'm comfortable with, but i get what people mean. The issue may not be the fetish itself but how much it means to you, where the boundaries are between you at a given moment and how assertive you both are.

I also have hardly any experience of casual sex so that might influence the way i am about this, i.e. maybe this is all naive or in the realm of the bleedin' obvious for everyone else.

http://www.youtube.com/user/nineteenthly

Sun, 10/14/2012 - 04:19

#14

lillyjade

To continue my point from earlier, I was in a relationship not long ago where we both roleplayed freely and we were both totally okay with that. Sometimes we swapped logs, sometimes we roleplayed with the same person independently. However, we met via a roleplay channel, and we both have had longtime friends in these channels who we play with primarily as friends. Also, to be totally fair, this relationship no longer exists but for totally different reasons. I stand by what I said before, if someone wants to do this, they had better ask; and if they're afraid to ask, they'd better not roleplay.

Tue, 10/16/2012 - 19:55

#15

darth_clone19

I would do it; Id hide it, but maybe if she were to ask (and if I were to have a girlfriend), I wouldnt hide it. I would not even expect her to be "faithfull" fetish wise. I mean, no one person can satisfy a fetish 100%, and if we are both open minded, I dont see why two people couldnt be open to that possibility. In the end, it depends on the couple.

- Read my stories: darth-clone19.deviantart.com

Sat, 10/20/2012 - 00:43

#16

yeahshippo

Hmm... Let me put it this way: If I had a girlfriend I might ask if its alright with her I mean she may be ok with it and you may be fretting over nothing. I personally don't think its wrong though I have heard of people refusing to do romance rps because it gives the feeling that they are cheating. I say go for it and if they're are questions don't be afraid to answer them or ask from the start. If you don't want the questions then don't rp.

Thu, 11/01/2012 - 15:39

#17

bigballoonboi13

Here's MY opinion: Why not , oh, I dunno, *ask* your partner first? I've roleplayed with someone else who was in a relationship and everything worked out fine because *all parties were in agreement*. If your partner thinks it's cheating, then don't do it. Otherwise you're home-free, IMHO. ^ Pretty much what I'm saying right there.

Thu, 11/01/2012 - 17:17

#18

GingerSnap

Coming from the other point of view, my husband has been into role playing for years and still does. I don't share his fetish at all but, because I enjoy pleasing him, I indulge his fantasies and role play with him. I'll admit that knowing he's had RP chats with people for years and still does makes me uncomfortable, like I'm not enough for him. But I also have to understand that that's not it and that he just enjoys it. Honestly I'd prefer he not, but will not dictact what he can or cannot do. I know he really got into the genre because his old girlfriend was not interested in him and this was his outlet. So I do my best to go above and beyond in (a silly I suppose) attempt to make his desire to go elsewhere disappeaer.

Regardless, honesty is usually best. I was suprised and confused when he told me about his fetish, but soon became curious and now use it to my full advantage. I feel like I'm cheating when all it takes is a few keywords to make him putty in my hand!

Thu, 11/01/2012 - 19:57

(Reply to #18) #19

MixMaster (not verified)

Nah, you're not cheating, you're doing all the right things ^^

Sun, 11/04/2012 - 20:50

#20

slayer

Do you even know what RP means? RP means role playing. That means that you play a character you are not in real life. As how to do this with fetish is bit beyond me since your RP character must obviously turn on the same things as you do, so therefore it wouldn't be proper RP. More like something the pro calls "metagaming" (mixing in game stuff with real life stuff wich is not allowed).

I play an RP online game wich I play a character that is nothing like me in real life. My character has even has a wife in the game. That wife can be played by a guy in real life for all I know! But it doesn't matter, because it is all RP and I am not "me" when I play the game. And yes I am married in real life.

Hi my name is Tom. I run the inflatable chicks yahoo group

Mon, 11/05/2012 - 20:35

#21

LisaHoneychan

Slayer IS right, IMHO. Role-playing is -exactally- that, and it's NOT "real life" in any way, shape or form. You have a character, and you are able to do things in it, that could never be done in your everyday life. Yes, blowing someone up like a balloon is one of those things.(last time I checked, anyways)

If you have a guilty concience about RP in any form (non-sexual included, many times inflation RP can be non-sexual) then it's simple: DON'T RP. But, to sit here and argue if it's "cheating" or not, you will get many many responses, some differing from your own. A look at the RP-board here will tell you that -lots- of people don't have any moral quandries about RP'ing, cause they can see the difference between it, and their real life.

Tue, 11/06/2012 - 03:21

#22

MixMaster (not verified)

As a gamer, yes, I see the difference from roleplaying and real life. I would certainly hope I would being my age, but I think you guys are missing my point. Whether you be Shepard laying down some pipe on Mass Effect or Kratos having a three way some Greek whores, its still just a game. It goes no further than that.

Now, this on the other hand... You are actually talking and acting out your sexual fantasies with another living, breathing human being with no preprogrammed emotions and responses. Granted, yes, the roleplaying can have non-sexual aspects to it, but I'm going to go out on a limb that is not majority of cases. It is primarily sexually driven action.

Let's just drop the whole aspect of "roleplaying" out of the equation. Say you're just two people with normal sexual habits and desires, hooking up over the internet. Would the act of virtual rutting still not make a dent in your conscience? I'm not here to judge you, wag a finger, or tell you you're a bad person. You're all aduts and are free to do what you wish. Like I said before, I am asking you to critically think about your actions and what sort of effect they could have on others.

Something tells me, slayer, that regardless of the actual gender of your game "wife", if you were on your computer waxing your carrot to some steamy elf on elf chat between you and your "wife", your actual wife walked in, saw what you were doing, and read every little detail of what you were doing to your game "wife", she would probably feel a plethora of negative emotions, such as distrust, confusion, inadequacy, disgust, maybe even regret, just to name a few.

Critically think about your actions and what effect they could have on others. It shows how much you care about that person's feelings, the person you said you would forsake all others for and love and cherish until the day you die. I'm not married, and even I know that one.

Tue, 11/06/2012 - 12:59

(Reply to #22) #23

slayer

Seems you still do not understand what RP is. This is a game yes, but it is not singleplayer, it is online RP game. All the characters you encounter there are played by real humans. And second, it got no elfs or magic or any of that shit in it, I had to mention this since you are pretty good at assuming things you know very little about apparently.

It is a realistic medieval RP. And it is mostly text based, so all communication to other players you do by typing and sometimes emoting what you do: "/me sit on chair" as an excample.

I am not entirely sure what you mean by "hook up". Do you mean to physically meet a person for sex or do you talk about cyber sex? The latter meaning you ofcourse wanking over your keyboard while roleplaying with some other girl or dude pretending to be girl or vice versa.

The game I mentioned that I play, I play another character and I have never been wanking while playing this game hehe. And I doubt any others do either. It is pretty harmless and we just emote things like "/me kisses her" and so on. The game isn't about sex, but about surviving in a medieval time, means you must eat, make money, get weapons, armor and so on. Getting a wife or girlfriend in game just make it more realistic. But I never had cyber sex or pretended in game to fuck my characters wife.

But what you say that you do has nothing to do with RP, because you do what you personally likes in a sexual way. So stop calling it RP. This is you! Not some other character.

If I want to chat cybersex with another person online either if its fetish or porn, this is me. Not another character. It is not just RP because you chose to do it online. To roleplay means you being another character and not yourself.

So yes if I did cybersex I would feel like I cheated on my wife and not feel good. And if I did these sort of things online I would hide it. And if I met another person in real life for sex but just said like "hey it's RP so we are not cheating" I would be complete douchebag, moron and living in a bubble.

Luckily my wife knows about my fetish and she is a part of it. She even inflates in a suit for me.

But yes I must admit that I do watch videos and pictures from taylormadeclips and fetisheyes and I do keep that a secret for my wife, since I know she would be jealous.

This I consider porn and I don't feel bad about it since it has been in my life since I was a teenager and are so used to it. In all my relationships I never deleted my porn collection or will never stop watching it.

Hi my name is Tom. I run the inflatable chicks yahoo group

Tue, 11/06/2012 - 09:31

#24

maxgrowth

Unfortunately, there's no easy answer...the interpersonal dynamics of each relationship are different. On the whole, I think you're right Mixmaster. As a general rule, you should not do anything with another person that would make you're actual partner feel slighted. Just chatting with a woman online with no sexual content can be dicy if your wife doesn't know, because the perception of misconduct is there.

I do think there are some situations where a person might find the need to seek out "release" from outside their marriage or relationship. Some people have terrible hang-ups about sex, self-worth, emotional problems, etc. In my case, if I were to tell my wife about my preferences...it would immediately become about her and how "inadequate" she must be that I would have these fantasies. I LOVE my wife, but her particular self-esteem issues have always blunted any attempt I've made to hint around about what I like.

I've never cheated on her or roleplayed, but if I didn't have an active fantasy life, it would be hard to stay married. Every situation is different, and I certainly won't judge anyone.

RPing while in relationships

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