This is a very good critique. Something like this - to the point and with examples - is what I've been longing for, since it's hard to find a stable co-author for this kind of literature. I much appreciate you took your time to comment :)
Emotional Hazard
This was going to be one of those days.
A squirt emitted from an invisible hole in the cup, just as Teywa tried to take a sip from it. Smelly brown liquid, a terrible parody of a coffee, splattered all over her white shirt, ruining it forever.
On the background an ear-cutting sound repeated itself over and over, along with hits and bumps. Another unfortunate soul tried to get some coffee from one of those ancient wedding machines. They still used paper currency here, would you believe?
Well, "used" wasn't the word. Most of the money-consuming machinery here munched, chewed and ripped it. Yet the sounds indicated that someone wasn't going to give up to the harsh reality easily.
Teywa got curious and looked over her shoulder to find out who that was. But as soon as she recognized the puffy figure, she quickly turned away, covering her face with a hand.
A bit late still.
"The fuck are you staring at?!"
Veitonian woman took another sip of coffee, intently looking into nothingness. Flann, the manager guy at the next table, promptly extinguished his smoke.
"I'm talking to you, Teywa!"
The girl at the coffee machine was named Lontil. And the problem with her was a long story.
At the core of it, she was Klamian. Among the forty seven races of the United Systems, they were the youngest one. What came with it, is that while they suffered from the same laws and taxes as everyone else, workplaces left for them were sparse and exclusively terrible. And even in the already terrible places, like this station, they always got the most terrible jobs.
And that's the second. Lontil was a technician. Mostly it meant she had to squeeze into insanely narrow shafts to fix some ten-times-recycled machinery. For the first few years she also often had to remove the remains of her predecessors from these shafts. At least, she wasn't risking to end up like them, thanks to her physiology. But still, not a dream job as you see.
Teywa could argue that it was actually her job being the worst here, but we'll return to it later.
Now, concerning Lontil's physiology. Klamians were plastic and generally quite agile; if not for these qualities they'd hardly got any jobs, really. The problem is that they had a reflex that triggered in highly stressful situations, despite loosing its evolutional importance long ago.
"You're smiling there, right?! You -huff- fucking grin-face bitch! You fucking always smile beh -huff- behind my back!" Lontil started moving right to the table where Teywa sat at. She was huffing and puffing in her anger, and each of the audible breaths left a lasting mark on her already tubby frame. She was ballooning up in all directions, giving herself quite a comical look, especially combined with how seriously upset she was.
This combination always did it. That's why Lontil was an eternal victim of countless jokes, pranks and mockery. Of course, her being a technician, there hardly was a single person on the station who had never caused her stress. Regardless, the result was always a hilariously bloated Klamian.
"And you!" she pointed a finger at Flann, her voice making his fur stand on its end "Oof... Where do you think you're going?!" Her walk turned into a waddle, as her limbs puffed up too. Meanwhile, the size of her middle crossed the line of 'comical' and stepped into 'worrisome'. Lontil's belly grew larger and larger, her breaths resonating within it, like if she was blowing up a balloon. Her jumpsuit still managed to contain her body, though the two expanding spheres of her breasts were slowly undoing the zipper.
She couldn't control it. Usually it was funny how her angry face turned surprised each time she breathed in. But now nobody in the cafeteria was smiling.
Terrified at the impending rubbery globe, Flann decided to obey his instincts and ran for his life, dissapearing behind the nearest auto-door in a split second.
"Get -huff- back, you little shit! You... -huff- you fucking worthless... -huff- furpiece! I hate you! I -oof- I hate you all!"
Universe is a witness, she held it all inside for a long, long time. And now she was literally bursting out. The zipper on her jumpsuit steadily slided all the way down. First it revealed her softly looking shoulders. Then two plump, beach ball sized tits. And then the colossal, inflated orb of her tummy. Its pale-grey surface was so stretched and smooth, that it shined in the light of ceiling lamps. Moreover, Teywa could see her face reflecting in it, with the now very-very shallow belly button right at her forehead, like a gun's aim.
"And -huff- And I fucking hate you." Lontil's voice here sounded so slow and calm, so horrifyingly cold, compared to the rest of her rant, that it could make Teywa's blood freeze.
The planetoid girth pressed forward, forcing Teywa to slowly back off to a wall. Easily, Lontil pushed aside tables and chairs with her belly - the pressure within her was so high, it gave her the strength of a thousand. Her jumpsuit could hold no more and it burst at the seams, falling off in rags to the floor, finally revealing enormous curves of her inflated hips - and a glorious rear. Lontil didn't care.
"Teywa, I'll fucking- Oof!"
As if she picked Teywa as a scapegoat.
Or maybe Lontil just hated her more than others. Teywa was a member of the most despised lifeform here - a health and safety inspector.
But it wasn't her fault the whole station was trash! She was just following orders! You know, all inspectors who disobeyed the station owners were later found in curious conditions, like...
"I'll -huff- fucking tear you apart -huff- and -huff- stuff you into that fucking -huff- cash-sucking shitbox!"
...like this one, yeah.
The threat was probably more of a metaphor though. Lontil got so swollen she couldn't even move anymore. Her body, however, was growing still, becoming bigger and fuller with every second. Huffs and puffs were now painfully heavy, mixed with moans and muffled whines. And the whole inflating mass was moving towards the poor inspector woman.
Teywa made the first and only effort to solve it all in a civilized way. She lowered her head fin and attempted a calming smile - but, as always, what she got was a weird sharp-tooth grin.
"Lontil, please, you should stop until- dah!" Before she could finish, Klamian girl took a deep breath, ballooning further and pressing Teywa into the wall.
"No -huff- it's you -huff- who should stop!" Lontil's breathing was becoming so rapid she was almost inhaling her own words "Stop with mockery! Stop with sitting on your fat butt like nothing is happening! Stop with all this shit!"
CREEEAAAK
A frightening sound cut through the air, outvoicing even Lontil's mad screams. Yet she ignored it.
"This here -huff- is more than you can chew -oof- fishface!" She giggled maniacally as she took another deep breath.
Teywa squirmed and struggled, trying not to suffocate under the shelf of raging girl's gut. And right before her clouded eyes, with a subtle 'pop' Lontil's belly button inverted itself.
"So stop -huff- with all this shit -huff- all of you!"
CREEEEAAAAK
"I'm not -huff- your fucking toy!"
CREEEEEAAAAAK
"I'm not -Oooof!- some fucking balloon!"
The monstrous bubble of a girl started to shiver and pulsate, the pressure within just too high for her body to hold any longer.
"So stop! Or I'll-"
POP!
***
"Barkeep, repeat."
One more shot, one less bad thought.
Or so did Flann's father always said. Before dropping his son in this dumpster and dying shortly after.
Flann picked up his smoke and took a long toke. On the TV there was a news program right about that damned day.
"...despite all the outrage, the company only suffered minor penalty, after it was proved that a veitonian woman, known as Teywa Fayhalia, was responsible for holding up important information from her supervisors, thus, setting up the conditions that led to the accident. The accused is currently undergoes treatment in the National Medical Center of Heivelaha, on Alioth IV."
"That's what they did." Flann gloomily mumbled to himself "All guilt on her, and they only had to pay a few dimes and hung this mock signs everywhere."
He extinguished the smoldering stub of his cigarette, as he raised his eyes up to a small plastic plate on the wall.
The warning said "In case of Klamian emotional hazard, take cover and call the janitor team."
No prob, Bob. If you need some workshopping on your drafts before upload (since it's hard to edit them after submission without the Admin's intervention here), I'd be happy to provide input. I love sci-fi as a genre and as a setting for fetish liturature. I can also Technobabble with the best of them, so if you need somone to provide nonsese that can be used to explain the Klamian 'Defense Mechanism' I .... might have spent a good amount of time contemplating that very idea after you put the seed there.
Overall; A pretty good story with a nice, juicy universe in the center.
You might benefit from a few more passes through during the editing phase or even a second pair of eyes to catch awkward turns-of-phrase, such as "...forcing Teywa to slowly back off to a wall", or "First it revealed her softly looking shoulders." These might be reworked to flow more easily with revisions like "The planetoid girth pressed forward, and Teywa was slowly forced to retreat backward into a wall," or " The zipper on her jumpsuit slid steadily downward and revealed more of the Klamian's soft flesh. First her shoulders bulged free of the widening gap..."
None of this should be taken as complaints, though; only critique. I want to read more of the stories that take place in this universe, and I look forward to watching your mastery grow (and your characters, too).