Shame, might explain why it wont be uploaded, well it's hear if you'd like to tweak it and post it as your own story, think I'm giving up on the writing game, thanks for the critique
New Story....
Overdone it?
A soft hum of a helicopter drummed throughout the night, Karyn was shaken awake and groaned, she'd been in the army a little over 2 years but still the sound of helicopters made her jump. Rolling over in bed she eyed her alarm clock 4:23 blinked back at her. “You’ve done jump school Karyn, a passing black hawk shouldn’t scare you" she scolded herself “may as well get an early start on the morning run”
She threw off the covers and switched on the light, bathing her single room apartment in light, she lived off base, she found it suited her better plus she could detach herself from work easier. Hoping over to her wardrobe she was clearly visible. Shoulder length brown hair that she always tied in a pony tail, big brown eyes with the perfect American smile, a pair of b cups snuggled in a sports bra down to a very toned stomach, thighs and butt all encased with flawless tanned skin. She had always trained extra hard to make sure her fitness was on par with the active service men, she was a psychotherapist at the base which gave her plenty of time to admire their physiques. Sliding her sports shorts over her stretch panties, Karyn laced up her running shoes and was out the door.
“Alright Mark, I think you should be back to full strength next week, just don’t push yourself too hard” Karyn told the clean-shaven very buff trooper in front of her, Mark White, Sgt Mark White to be exact, he was a regular patient of Karyns, constantly tearing something or breaking a bone or two. Karyn was dressed in her BDUs and tan tee and had a full day of patients like Mark, she swore they hurt themselves just to see her. “Ill give you this cream for the future, its just recently passed trials and should take care of the aches and pains in the future, but anything worse and you come and see me understood?” Karyn stated matter of factly “Alright doc, Ill try to take it easy next time no promises though” the sergeant chuckled and swiftly exited.
It was late and Karyn had only now had a moment to herself, she sat in her office with a coffee, mulling over the report of the cream she'd given Mark, something she admittedly should have done prior to given it out but she was so busy. Playing with one strand of her hair she read through the notes, the cream was your standard muscle heating cream only it had been modified to give off small amounts of helium into the applied area reliving the strain of the muscle. “Genius" Karyn spoke aloud “wouldn’t mind trying some myself” taken the tube and undoing her BDU bottoms she applied a healthy dose to both her thighs and butt both ached from her morning run. Pulling her fatigues back up, she could already feel the heat in the applied areas and could hear a slight hiss?
Karyn scoffed and put it down to her imagination, before packing up her things as well as the cream and heading back to her apartment. Her walk seemed slightly more of a waddle however with more bulk appearing with each step. The hissing slightly swelling her thighs and butt, pulling her stretch underwear into a thong. As Karyn arrived back at her place she felt very different and her BDUs uncomfortably tight. Running into her apartment, she switch on the light and observed her thighs, tracing a hand over them, they felt full and the material of her BDUs was pulled tight over them, inspecting her butt she found it all to quickly and the same results her formerly tightly formed arse was bulging against the fabric and swollen to a size of half a basketball. Still Karyn could hear a slight hiss emitting from somewhere.
Pressing her hands in to her swollen thighs she found them very sensitive and even a bit of a turn on, struggling to fight the urge, Karyn unbuttoned her BDUs, suddenly with a crack the side stiches gave out along with the rest of the buttons. “what the hell?” exclaimed Karyn looking at her exposed thighs that resembled balloons packed into you torn trousers, running a hand over the exposed flesh emitted a soft rubber sound and cause her to get a little bit excited, “must be a reaction to the gel? But shit.....theyre huge and......sensitive" groaned Karyn before withdrawing her hand and grabbing the gel from her bag.
Nothing seem to suggest the gel was to blame for her sudden swollen thighs and arse, though it was the only thing that made sense. Listening intently Karyn noticed the hissing had stopped. “it must be the gel, the helium is swelling me up” she concluded, a wicked smile on her face, “maybe I should apply it else where" giggling she wriggled out of the torn combats and rubbed a healthy dose on to her butt before taken her top off and sports bra and rubbing some onto her breasts, causing her nipples to become erect and her arousal to grow, dampening her tight stretch underwear.
The hiss filled the air again as Karyn started rubbing herself, groaning as the growth began again, unbeknownst to hear she proceeded to rub some of the remain gel onto her dripping pussy, as the warm feeling started her breasts swelled forward easily becoming a C cup then D soon after, her already sizable rear swelled into full basket balls, furiously Karyn fingered herself as moaning aloud just as the same warm feeling spread to her tender lips.
Her whole body was alight with pleasure as Karyn was thrown into an orgasm, cumming hard and arching her back moaning loudly, “fuck yes! Bigger more.....mmmmm" she was lost in pleasure her breasts were bobbling like balloons, nipples inflated like corks, her arse swollen underneath her and a factor in her arching her back. The growth to her pussy was still continuing, her clit swelling full and round while her equally inflated lips tried to contain it. This fight between was causing pleasure to rock Karyns body until she blacked out, sweat glistening her body as with a crack her underwear gave in.
Awakening to a smaller but still large pair of breasts easily E or F cups reminded Karyn of what actually happened last night and how amazing it felt, groaning and stretching as best she could awake she explored her soaked body to assess the situation, clearly her breasts had shrunk meaning the inflation was only temporary. Finding her hips and ass still quite large told her dosage played a part and her pussy being normal sized confirmed this. Jumping out of bed she saw her ripped underwear and pool of her own fluid, “guess i really enjoyed last night" giggling she struggled into the shower.
Despite deflating a little she was still quite sensitive which made the shower difficult, the water hitting her breast almost made her cum then and there, Karyn managed to keep her cool however and was now on to the difficult task of getting dressed. “The sports bra was a no go, her BDUs would be an issue too” she thought as she pulled a new pair of stretch underwear on and while popping the stitches managed to pull them over her large rear, pulling over her head a larger t-shirt was an easier task but exposed her stomach as her breasts lifted it up. “urgh it’ll have to do, just hope we don’t have inspection today and I can sneak in unnoticed” finally were her BDUs letting the waist out the best she could she slide herself into them and while popping stitches again and only being able to take short breaths she got them on. “Now just gotta stay clothed til I can get home" she giggled and waddled out the door.
Getting to the base and to her office was a bigger chore than usual, her thighs rubbed with each step and her breast bobbled, squeaking softly beneath her shirt. Causing her to sport rock hard nipples, and her panties to become soaked with her arousal as well as sweat from her tiring waddle. Finally in her office she undid her BDUs and negated some of the pressure, sitting was awkward as her butt would strain the seat of her pants near to bursting so Karyn was stuck standing and waddling back and forth, fortunately she had just one appointment today, which meant with any luck she could sneak out early, staring down at her appointment list she found herself rubbing the inside of her ballooned thighs, letting slip a soft moan as her arousal spiked. Just as she was about to get lost in her pleasure, a knock on her door shook her out of it.
“Doc, you in?” shouted a voice, it was Sgt White his follow up was today, “uh.....yeah uh....hang on" stammered Karyn forcing her thighs back into her BDUs and buttoning them with loud squeaking, "What’s going on in here? Got a sex doll in here?” chuckled the Sgt as he wandered in, “Fuck you" shot back Karyn “get on the table Sgt and let me look at that leg" rubbing her hands over the Sgts toned thigh was causing Karyn to get very flustered all of a sudden, it must of been the cream she thought, she could feel her arousal spiking again and her arousal flooding her thoughts.
Waddling back her desk she signed Sgts White fit for duty form, “hey uh doc.....?” the sgt quizzed “you ok? You seem different today “uh um yeah Im fine....totally fine, just uh run down a bit” stammered Karyn visible uncomfortable “anyway you’re fine for duty mark here’s your papers and don’t hesitate to see me again” quickly throwing him his papers and ushering him out despite his confused protests. Before she could get him out completely, he turned around “oh wait do you have anymore of that gel you gave me yesterday? I wouldn’t mind having a stock of it” “um yeah ill send some on to you" Karyn smiled before pressing her hand into his rock hard chest, causing her almost to come right there, the sgt must have known this as he grinned “see ya Doc” before exiting. Leaving Karyn horny as hell and in need of some privacy, locking the door she unbuttoned her BDUs and started rubbing herself.
Karyn’s had succeeded in staying clothed, besides the whole masturbating in her office but atleast no one saw, maybe heard but not saw, she'd even grabbed a few more tubes of the gel for “research", climbing her stairs to her apartment, put more pressure on her pants that she'd realised popping her buttons off. Blushing red and quickening her pace to her front door. “shit! So close!!” hissed Karyn dumping her work backpack on the floor and slipping out of ruined pants and jumping in the shower.
Washing did nothing but spike her libido again and soon she was back rubbing herself and filled with all sorts of ideas of using the extra tubes of gel, finally after cumming for third time she had noticed her body was almost back to normal, seemed each time she orgasmed the small she'd get. Pulling on a new pair of sports underwear she wandered to her bag and grabbed three tubes of the gel and rubbed healthy doses on her breasts, butt, thighs and her vulva, groaning loudly as she did so, “fuck I'm gonna get so big" giggling with a smirk Karyn dropped the tubes by her side on the bed caps off.
With a loud hiss and the spreading of warmth it started, her breasts perked up and rounded atop her chest as they advanced to a E cup, filling her field of vision as her stroked her equally expanding pussy, her thighs swelled too, quickly become tree trunks, intent on snaring her hand inside her. Arching her back, her butt bloomed rapidly become basketball sized stretching her underwear into a thong and pulling her fingers deeper inside her very wet and increasingly tight pussy.
Lost in her pleasure as her body creaked and swelled with a hiss filling the air, Karyn started pounding the bed with her left hand as she quickened her pace of fingering, one of her pounds Made contact with one of the tubes of gel throwing some into the air, landing harmlessly or so it seemed on her toned stomach, again she made connect shooting more gel into the air just as she came screaming it ecstasy, the gel found its mark straight down her throat.
Shaking Karyn from her orgasm, she stared around blankly, “what the fuck was that? Oh forget it fuck im so huge" gleed the ballooning girl as her panties creaked as her hips fought for space. The heat spread to her stomach as the gel took effect both external and internal, external her stomach started bloating out filling the space between her beach ball breasts and her zepplin thighs. Internally the gel was starting to flood Karyns cells with helium bloating her all over, the hissing intensified, only when her stomach forced her arm to move did Karyn notice something amiss, “shit my stomach?? I didn’t oh.....mmmm god, I didn’t put any uh oh gel there....” she moaned loudly too overwhelmed with pleasure to be concerned.
Her whole body ballooned, bursting free from her panties, helium found a home everywhere her nipples plumped up, her arms and legs where swallowed up, ever fingers and toes rounded. With a pop her inner was a swollen outie and her clit was sitting swollen on the base of her blimp of a body.
At this point she achieved left off floating above her bed, her lips filled and her neck was pulled into her ball of a body. Her inflation was complete, her pleasure nerve endings were spent as cum dripped from her bloated pussy. “mmmmm fuck I may have over done it" the sex spent Karyn groaned floating carelessly in her apartment, she settling in to a nap as her body softly squeaked and bobbed around.
Meh.
Well I'm done with this site.......
An ellipsis uses four periods at the end of the sentence.
It is literally painful to read. Your English skills, frankly, suck.
Try writing in your native language first, then translating it. You'll get less run-on sentences that way, at least.
Needs more work honestly
Christ didn't realise this site was full of esteemed authors and writers. I'm done with this site for good now. Not a single piece of constructive criticism or genuine feedback so in short go fuck yourselves
Oh, I thought you'd already left. It's not that we are that good, we're just better than you.
My criticism was constructive: You don't know how to write dialogue. If you want to write, you need to learn how to write dialogue, it's part of the writing product.
More likely you need to look up what constructive criticism is. It is not, we blow smoke up your ass so you feel good about the piece of crap you wrote. You want to waste people's time with a substandard product, yeah you're going to hear about it. Cowboy the fuck up princess.
Here's some constructive criticism: Don't be such a petulant nancy boy.
Here's some more: Do please stay done with this site for good, it'll obviously be a more literate place without you.
No one forced you to write a crummy story (unless they did, which would explain a lot....).
Damn, some stone cold responses here. There's constructive criticism and then there's ridicule, and I see a lot more of the latter in this thread.
Here's some constructive criticism:
First of all, the dialogue was mentioned so I'll chime in about that. Writing dialogue is one of the hardest things to do. It doesn't always come naturally, and if it doesn't it can take a lot of work and practice to get it right. Overall, I didn't think the dialogue was that bad. It was very formulaic, as was the rest of the story, but writing good stories takes practice too. The biggest problem for me is that the dialogue gets convoluted since it's not broken up into separate paragraphs; don't ever put more than one character's dialogue in a paragraph. It's also easy to see that the dialogue was an afterthought; while grammar and punctuation were largely fine throughout the story, they completely go in the tank when a character is speaking.
I also said the story was formulaic, which I find to be true, but truthfully >90% of stories are. That doesn't mean it's bad, it just won't grab my interest because I've been reading stories just like it for 20 years. Everybody writes formulaic stories, but the best writers are able to branch out and pull off some bigger ideas without resorting to the same old "I'm inflating so it's time for me to orgasm" kind of stuff. You're not there yet, but that doesn't mean you can't get there.
Most importantly, though, how do you feel about the story? Did you enjoy writing it? Do you like how it turned out? If the answer to the last two questions is "yes" then why give a shit what others think? I know it's natural to want your work to be accepted by the community, but ultimately if you like it then that's really the only thing that matters.
Thankyou double intergral you are the embody of constructive criticism. I am English so sorry if the story doesnt tramslate to well to well to my American cousins. However you broke it down and helped me get better next time,I will try to do better at dialogue which isnt my strong suit. Thankyou again for understanding constructive criticism and helping me not just bashing me as above. Maybe I'll stick around who knows. At the end of the day its fetish porn I guess.........
It's baffling to me that someone could read your story and think you aren't a native English speaker. American English is not that different from UK English. Sometimes people can speak with good grammar but are terrible at writing it, but I found most of the grammar to be above average.
I really should have sat down to reply to this thread when I first read this story on the 14th. Now it's probably a little late to save the bitterness of this whole convo, but I'll give it a long shot.
So, the main gripe that others have mentioned was with dialogue, and... There is a little bit of stiffness to the way I picture the words coming out of the characters' mouths, but honestly it's okay overall. It does need better formatting; paragraph breaks between speakers and new lines, cutting down on elipses to serve as pauses and places of trailing off... In the same vein, there's run-on sentences where commas come four, five, or six times in a row before a period is placed. Those make it admittedly tough to follow along and make it seem like it's jamming a boatload of information in a tiny space. Spread stuff out. Try reading your work out loud and see how far you can make it without taking a breath, I suppose.
My constructive criticism would rather be how the story unravels. As mentioned before, this story happens to be a little formulaic and as readers, we can see what's coming. The inventiveness, or the impact you can leave, is how well you can throw curveballs either stylistically or with the main points of the plot. We have a magic sort of cream as the inflation method, and it seems a little bizarre how "easy" it is to work, to spike arousal in somebody. It's not a sin for a story to have this, though. Again, an engaging writing style can make anything a fun read, even the old air compressor in a bedroom.
Now your depictions of the inflation processes are pretty solid. They don't run too lengthy (I mean in the course of time, not necessarily sentence length). They're blurred with the mistakes here and there, and maaay fringe on cliche, but a few nice details slip in ("nipples inflated like corks"; call me inexperienced or easily impressed, but that's a new one that I found pretty unique) that vary some of the experience.
I had to think about what the purpose of having the story center around a doctor in the army could be, and I venture that it's because of the tight, strechable outfits for the most part (the details around what's happening to the clothing come up a lot, which I think is a good avenue to take). This makes the setting choice all the better if that's true. Yet, Karyn's occupation, while good for giving her access to this cream, doesn't really make up much of her character in the end. Sure, when she's not inflating herself to orgasm, this profession is the other side to her. But it kinda loosely influences her. It sets her up for interactions between a handsome sargeant, but even he hardly gets to do anything with her. If he uses the cream to recover, wouldn't there be effects on him that we might learn about? Basically, this where you could've thrown the curveball any way you wanted to, but to focus on Karyn's story and indulgement most of the time was probably fair enough. Sticking to that though is why this story is formulaic.
Probably much to the dismay of other people, I believe fetish material isn't really supposed to be high art. However, there are written conventions that make said material accessible to a broader audience. If you focus on presenting your stories more cleanly, that'd be the major hurdle to get over. Otherwise, there's content that's bound to entertain at least somebody out there, and I hope above all you as the writer can at least appreciate it yourself.
Can you all stop now? Thanks.
Couldn't finish it. Learn the method of how to write dialogue.