Allow me to start from the beginning. As a child, like many of you, Violet Beauregaurde's inflation is what got me to this point in life. I'd also like to mention I'm transgender, I came out 3 weeks ago as a transgender female. All my life leading up to this from the Blueberry scene I had been obsessed with her and I would draw her and pretend to be her too. As the internet led me to discover more I was always so intrigued by the concept of body inflation. It followed me through puberty but it slowly was less prevalent and less and less interesting. It would make it's appearances every now and then and that scared me and I was ashamed. After suppressing it, I came out as a gay male. Then inflation started to take on a male fantasy for me where I would only imagine males. It still wasn't something that was always on my mind and I was more focused on regular sexual experiences which led me to realise it wasn't all that great and I wasn't thinking about anything during. Soon after my first ever relationship with a guy ended and I felt lost and suprisingly it was my first time mastubating ever. It wasn't even involving the fetish and that really hadn't even been a big proponent in my life at that point. I just knew I liked having sex with men and preferably being on top. I hadn't even thought mainly about it and it ultimately felt like a side interest like "Oh is there any new movies with inflation scenes out?" and I would go along with my day. Now I'm at a predicament. My grandmother had died and that sent me on a mental trip to realise I was interested in living female. As a kid I had also been interested in dressing as a girl and wearing wigs to have long blonde hair which felt right for me at the time but slowly went away two. SUDDENLY, I'm at this point in life and both of these things are coming up and conflicting so badly that it's causing me so much inner turmoil that I'm scared about my own safety. I still love the idea of pleasuring a man on top but I just realised I feel female AND I'm dealing with the doubt that this fetish will make me happy as a woman. Life is just such an absolute fucking mess right now and I've lived my life so much as an popular kid / extrovert who felt normal and i guess suppressed this all. I don't wanna lose who I am in this fetish because I'm already struggling enough with finding out who I am. I mostly find movie scenes or stories the way to work for me but I get scarred that I'm being harmful. The fantasies I have make me feel disgusted because I hate imagining a person as less than what they are (or more in this case haha) because I truly just want a connection and to feel normal and loved and this fetish is something that doesn't feel like me. I'm wondering if it came about with somewhat jealousy of Violet just for the fact of being a girl? I am scared of hormones too at this point and there is a possibility that once dysphoria goes away I can start to focus on the fetish in a more rational way that feels right but I just don't know what to do and the suicidal thoughts are just so strong and I just need someone to talk to.
-X
Hi there. I'm so very sorry for your recent loss, and I'm sorry that you've been going through such a rough patch lately. I won't pretend that I have all the answers you're looking for, but I will say that you are not alone here - experiencing these doubts and this sense of confusion and turmoil over who you are is completely normal. Everybody goes through it to some degree in life, some more intensely than others; human psychology is an incredibly diverse and varied subject, so please understand that these painful emotions and the way you feel doesn't make you weak or weird. I beg you, please do not turn to suicide, and please don't do yourself any harm.
Body inflation, expansion, growth, all the stuff that we get together for here really isn't disgusting. It's not bad. It might be a little unusual, but there are so many people out there that have unusual fetishes, and I guarantee that many of them have felt just as uncertain as you do now. It can be difficult to cope with this kind of thing, though, because it's not easy to reconcile how to make this a functional part of your life. I think that the first thing that you can do is accept that this is a part of who you are, just as much as your preferred gender and sexual identity, and that there is nothing wrong with feeling this way.
Fair warning, though, that finding a meaningful relationship while having a fetish will often prove difficult. You're likely going to feel a rightful sense of frustration when you don't find something that satisfies you. This, too, is perfectly normal, and it's all a part of life's sweet sorrow.
Please do me a favor and take some time to breathe deeply and allow yourself to relax. As unhelpful as it will likely sound, this is going to be a long process for you: it's going to be bumpy, and it's going to take a great deal of time to get everything sorted out. You'll need to take a little bit of time every day and ask yourself questions about who you want to be in life, and from there, figure out what path to take. Just know that there are other people right here who will support you as best as we can.