Ultra Cola

Working for Skunny Cola was his dream job. All the free soda he wanted and, being a partner with the founders, he got to sample new flavors of SC. New flavors sometimes tasted good (i.e. Raspberry Cola), others not so good (Pea Cola). He always jumped at the chance to taste new flavors, especially when he got Ultra Cola. The label said: Ultra Cola! The cola with more carbonation than Pepsi, Coke, RC, or Jolt.

That was a new concept! He looked at the brownish liquid inside the bottle. Even under a vacuum, it was still fizzing a lot! He just hoped that when he took the cap off, the cola wouldn't explode and go all over the place. He was sure it wouldn't, but just in case, he took it over to the sink. He carefully twisted the cap, watching the carbon-dioxide bubbles. Then when the cap came off, the fizzing went down, and down fast. It looked like ordinary Coke or Pepsi. Boy, exposure to air must water it down fast!

He poured the "Ultra" cola into a plastic tasting glass. Nothing unusual, except that this soda was supposed to have "more carbonation than Pepsi, Coke, RC, or Jolt". He added some ice and brought the fizzing liquid up to his mouth, feeling the bubbles tickle his nose. He took a preliminary sip, swishing it around in his mouth, running it through all the tests that a professional taster put it through. Tasted no different than Pepsi. Coke was a little sweeter than Pepsi.

He swallowed the soda and put it down. He was going to tell those scientists that there was nothing "Ultra" about this soda. He got up and felt a burp coming on. Usually happened when he drank soda. He held it in some, but the burp sensation grew stronger. He kept his mouth shut, trying to quiet the burp, but the burp was louder and longer than he ever had! Afterward, he felt the Ultra Cola taste in his mouth again.

Boy! he thought. This was the best damn soda he's ever had. He ran to Steve Leary and Dennis Martin, the founders of Skunny cola.

"Steve! This Ultra Cola is the best soda I've ever tasted!" He said when he entered Steve's office. "Mass produce this and it'll make us millions!"

"What are you saying, Dan?" asked Steve.

"Market this baby and we'll beat out Pepsi, Coke, Jolt and all the others!" he said.

* * *

A few months later, Ultra Cola hit the market. He went down to the grocery store after work, and bought the first one. It would take a little bit for the idea that a small company like Skunny could beat out the two largest soda corporations in the world. He brought the cola home.

He turned on his computer and checked his e-mail. He sighed and waited for all the messages to be downloaded. 46 messages from the BE-Buddies. 3 from the Inflatable Clothing Buddies. There was always more from BE-Buddies than from the Inflatable Clothing Buddies. He read the messages, responded to a few and turned off the computer. The clock read 6 o'clock.

He went back to the kitchen and twisted open the bottle of soda. The fizz went down like it did back at the lab.

He poured himself a large glass of the brown liquid and saw the fizz rise in the glass. He added ice and brought the cola to his couch. He flipped on the TV.

As the screen slowly lit up he heard, "Ultra Cola! The new flavor from the makers of Skunny Raspberry, Skunny Blueberry, and the original Skunny Cola, comes Ultra Cola! This amazing soda has not twice, not three times, but four times the carbonation of those *other* brands," When they said 'other', they showed bottles of Pepsi, Coke, RC, and Jolt, but with the labels blacked out. "Ultra Cola is available everywhere."

Then another voice quickly said, "Skunny is a registered trademark of the Skunny Corporation. Baltimore, Maryland, 21211."

The next commercial was for Depends undergarments. He picked up the glass of soda and took a big gulp of the liquid.

He felt the cool liquid travel down his throat and enter his stomach. He watched the TV. Channel 13's "Eyewitness News At Six" came on.

"You are watching WJZ, Eyewitness News at Six, with Denise Koch, Vic Carter, Weather with Bob Turk, and sports with John Buren."

Sally Thorner came on. "Fire ravages a Glen Burnie home this afternoon. The fire was in the Americana Southdale apartment complex." He felt something strange in his stomach. Almost like a burp was coming on but not quite. Kind of halfway between a burp and a fart.

He dismissed it as gas and continued watching the news. Vic Carter was next. "Bea Gaddy gathered food for the homeless this past Christmas. Bea said that she got a lot of food from volunteers but not as much as she would've hoped."

The gas feeling was becoming more noticeable, almost uncomfortable. He got up and went to the bathroom for some Alka-Seltzer. His pants seemed tighter than they should be. He rummaged through the medicine cabinet and found some. He put the Alka-Seltzer in a glass of water and brought it back to the couch. The news was continuing.

"Manufacturers of Skunny Cola in South Baltimore is recalling their new flavor of soft drink called 'Ultra Cola'." What?! "Apparently, drinking too much of this beverage can cause excess gas. Exposure to too much of this soft drink has been found to cause tearing of the stomach and other gastrointestinal problems." He had the glass of soda up to his lips but didn't drink anymore. "If anyone has drank this beverage, they are urged to call Skunny Cola at 410-590-9850. That number again is 410-590-9850."

Sally Thorner came on again. "So, Bob, I know weather's been kind of nasty out there. How much more snow can we expect over the next couple of days?"

He wasn't listening to the newscast anymore. He was on the phone with Steve.

"Steve! Why wasn't more extensive testing done on this Ultra cola?"

"Well, Dan, you were so excited about this, that I didn't do any more testing. I thought you did all the testing you needed with it."

"Oh, sure, put the blame on me." He said in the phone. He heard something pop and he looked down and saw that his stomach was enlarged. What?! He pulled his shirt up and saw that his stomach was pushed out some. He felt the distended stomach.

"Dan? Dan!" Steve repeated.

"Ummmm.... I'll have to call you back." he said.

He put the phone back into the cradle. The burp feeling came back and he saw his stomach begin to swell out. He held his mouth closed and the burp came out in a loud long, belch! So loud that it rang in his ears minutes afterward. A burning sensation in his throat followed for a few minutes. He had to admit it. He loved the feeling of his stomach swelling out. That was why he joined the mailing lists like BE-Buddies and Clothing Buddies. His stomach was back to it's flat washboard exterior.

A big grin came over his face. He picked up the bottle of soda and took 3 or 4 big gulps directly out of the bottle. He then walked to the mirror and watched his form. The burp sensation came on, stronger than ever! His stomach began to push out and distend. He felt his inflating stomach push out. His body took on almost a pregnant shape, kind of like Arnold Shwarzenegger in Junior. Then he simultaneously burped and farted and his stomach shrunk back down. This soda was awesome!

He was on the phone with Cindy, his girlfriend. He'd love to see how this beverage would affect women.