That's Absurd

(SCENE - People sit calmly in a waiting room reading magazines or watching daytime TV. A RECEPTIONIST types furiously at her computer. In the background a female scream of agonizing pain echoes through the back hallway. A young BRUNETTE walks in the front door and approaches the reception counter.)

RECEPTIONIST: Can I help you, miss?

BRUNETTE: Yes, I'd like to die, please.

RECEPTIONIST: Ah, well, you've certain--- (the sudden sound of a firearm discharging down the hall causes the RECEPTIONIST to flinch slightly) certainly come to the right place. Do you know how you'd like to proceed?

BRUNETTE: What do you offer?

RECEPTIONIST: The usual... stabbing, burning, hanging, drowning, starvation...

BRUNETTE: (furrows her brow in thought) Don't you have something a little less boring?

RECEPTIONIST: How about a firing squad?

BRUNETTE: Not bad. Anything else?

RECEPTIONIST: (checks her daily calendar) Actually, one of our newest specialists currently has an opening. I believe you will find her technique sufficiently unusual. Exam room 19, the one with the double doors.

BRUNETTE: Thank you very much.

(As the BRUNETTE makes her way down the hall, she can hear a man gasping for breath behind one of the closed doors, while a knife is being sharpened behind another. Reaching the correct door, she opens it to find an unusually large exam room and a middle-aged female DOCTOR standing next to an exam table, picking lint off her white coat.)

DOCTOR: (somewhat startled, turns to face the door) Ah yes, come on in. Have a seat on the table. How are you today?

BRUNETTE: (sits with legs dangling) Pretty good.

DOCTOR: Great! I know time is important so this won't take very long. (Retrieves an air hose connected to the oxygen port on the wall.) If you would, go ahead and lie back on the table, lift your shirt up a little bit, and hold this against your navel.

(The BRUNETTE does as instructed, pulling her t-shirt up to reveal her flat stomach and pressing the tube against the deepest part of her belly button. The DOCTOR secures it in place with medical tape.)

DOCTOR: Are you ready? This won't hurt a bit... not that that matters, I suppose.

BRUNETTE: I'm ready.

DOCTOR: Okay.

(The DOCTOR turns the small valve on the oxygen port. A sudden *FWOOSH* followed by a steady hiss are audible. The BRUNETTE feels her stomach tighten, and within seconds it is already bulging out considerably.)

BRUNETTE: Whoa!

DOCTOR: Just relax, it's hardly over yet.

(The BRUNETTE's abdomen already looks full-term pregnant, and continues swelling upward. The BRUNETTE expects some kind of hemorrage to happen any moment, but failing that, she unbuttons her jeans to relieve some of the pressure that her stomach is applying to her clothing.)

DOCTOR: (noticing) That's not a bad idea. Your clothes could become pretty uncomfortable fairly soon.

BRUNETTE: (confused) Just how much more of this will---

DOCTOR: A lot.

BRUNETTE: (breasts beginning to swell) Is it ok to stand up?

DOCTOR: If you so choose.

(The BRUNETTE struggles to sit up with her added growth, then stands awkwardly, trying to shrug her jeans off. With those falling to the floor, she manages to pull her shirt up past her doubly large bosom and remove it entirely. No longer so restricted, her entire body begins growing all over. She barely unclasps her bra before her arms balloon up until they are difficult to move.

DOCTOR: (turning the valve again) Let's speed things along, shall we?

(Reflecting the faster air flow, the BRUNETTE's body swells like dough in an oven. Her significant round stomach is bookended by generous breasts above and massive thighs and buttocks below. As her volume increases rapidly her abdomen asserts itself as the dominant feature, gradually absorbing its neighbors.)

BRUNETTE: (struggling with her widening stance as her legs shrink) So how many of these have you done?

DOCTOR: Obviously I studied for years in school, and have dabbled in other practices, but you are my first, believe it or not.

BRUNETTE: Really? Never would've guessed.

(The BRUNETTE's underwear finally rends itself from her increasingly globe-like form. Breasts and buttocks disappear first, followed by arms and legs. Her feet leave the floor and she rolls backward helplessly. Her shoulders bloat up and overtake her neck, leaving her flesh bulging beside her face.)

BRUNETTE: This is certainly not boring.

(The DOCTOR lets the BRUNETTE continue to expand for another minute or two, stopping the air flow once she approaches ten feet in diameter.)

BRUNETTE: (unable to move or see DOCTOR) Wait, aren't I supposed to burst? Why did you stop?

DOCTOR: Well, here's where you have three options. You can continue to inflate until you explode, or I can poke you with a pin, or I can add some helium and let you float away.

BRUNETTE: Let's keep going, I think.

DOCTOR: (twisting the valve again) Very well. In the meantime, before our time runs out, do you have any feedback for me? I would certainly like to improve the process for my future clients.

BRUNETTE: (steadily filling up the exam room) No, I have no complaints. This is very unique and you worked quite efficiently.

DOCTOR: So you would recommend this to someone else?

BRUNETTE: (approaching her limit) Absolutely, I would be happy to----

(Suddenly, the inflated BRUNETTE bursts, showering the DOCTOR and the exam room with rubbery bits of flesh. A few seconds later, the INFLATION POLICE bursts into the room.)

INFLATION POLICEMAN #1: (surveying the room and finding only the DOCTOR and the BRUNETTE's remains) Son of a BITCH! We're too late!

DOCTOR: Excuse me?

INFLATION POLICEMAN #2: Don't you see where you messed up?

DOCTOR: I thought my execution was flawless.

INFLATION POLICEMAN #2: It was... almost. We can certainly appreciate a good use of the Law of Navel Permittivity when we see one. However, there was one glaring flaw.

INFLATION POLICEMAN #1: (reaches down and grabs handfuls of the BRUNETTE's shredded debris) The Laws of Mutual Feminine Attraction!!! HOW could you forget the Laws of Mutual Feminine Attraction??!

INFLATION POLICEMAN #2: (voice cracking, noticeably upset) The most BASIC of all inflation laws! All you had to do was rub her big, round body. Maybe a gentle kiss. That's all... but no! You were colder to her pneumatic state than... something that is really cold! And now she's GONE!!!

DOCTOR: Gee... I'm sorry guys. My first real day on the job.

INFLATION POLICEMAN #1: Well... just don't let it happen again. We busted our asses trying to get here in time to save this story.

DOCTOR: It won't happen again. (Grabs another couple of hoses.) However, are you familiar with the First Law of Mutual Masculine Attraction?

INFLATION POLICEMAN #2: (exchanges nervous looks with INFLATION POLICEMAN #1) Shit... she's good.