Routine Physical

“Financial services, this is Eric. How can I help you?”

“Hey, it’s me.”

“Oh, hey, honey! Are you at the doctor’s office yet?”

“Yep, they just started my physical a couple minutes ago. Thought I’d give you a call.”

“Ah, good. Are you naked?”

“What do you think? Of course I am.”

“Awesome. How’s it coming so far?”

“Oh, you know the drill… I’m all belly… Is now a bad time?”

“Oh, no, not at all, of course not. It’s Friday, things are pretty slow here.”

“Ok, good. There’s a few things I need you to check up on while I’m here. Can you take notes?”

“One sec… ok, go ahead.”

“Don’t forget that we’re hosting the block party next Saturday, so you’ll need to get hot dogs, buns—”

“Don’t worry, I’ve already got all that in my planner for tomorrow.”

“You are wonderful. Ok, next………”

“……Honey?”

“Oh, sorry, it’s just always weird when my boobs start. Man, they’re going fast this time.”

“Mmm… wish I could be there to see that.”

“I’ll bet you do. Hold on, switching to my Bluetooth headset… ok, better.”

“Your next directive was…?”

“Ah yes, thank you. I forgot to call one of my students about her lesson next Thursday. Can’t exactly teach piano like this. Look up ‘Anderson’ in Outlook on my laptop.”

“Call Anderson… about… piano lesson. Got it. What’s happening now?”

“Getting harder to move my arms and legs. My butt is about the size you’d like it, too, although it won’t be for much longer.”

“You think any of the nurses will take pictures for me?”

“Oh, they record video every time, just not for naughty boys like you.”

“‘Medical purposes’ and shit, I’m sure. I’d post it on YouTube.”

“And I would murder you.”

“Nah, you’d like the exposure.”

“Right. …annnnnd I’m floating.”

“Have fun up there.”

“Yeah, because I’ll be able to do so much. Can’t even reach halfway around my tummy.”

“Can you even see your stomach past your boobs?”

“…No.”

“GOD I wish I was there.”

“Ok, one last thing. My car was acting up on the way here. Could you pick it up and check it out?”

“Absolutely.”

“You are too wonderful.”

“Speak for yourself. Few men can say they have a pneumatic wife.”

“Or a wife who turns into a globe.”

“Already?”

“Almost.”

“You really did get a mega-dose this time, didn’t you?”

“Yeah, they’re really testing my limits. They’re giving me 75% more this time.”

“75%?! Jesus! And you thought last time was a lot.”

“Yeah, just lost feeling in my arms and legs. I’ve never gone spherical this quickly.”

“I just wish you didn’t have to stay there for a whole week. I miss having you next to me at night.”

“I miss you too, but you know this is necessary for women with my condition. And it’s only twice a year.”

“Think they’ll let me spend the night?”

“They’d have to tie me down so that you can reach me.”

“Screw that. I’d sleep on top of you, sprawled out across your stomach.”

“That actually sounds pretty romantic.”

“We should try it at home some time.”

“What if you fell off?”

“‘It’s not how many times you fall that matters, it’s how many times you get back up.’”

“Now that’s inspirational.”

“We should make one of those posters.”

“…Whoa.”

“What?”

“It’s even affecting my hands and feet this time.”

“Is that supposed to happen?”

“Dunno… probably part of my extra 75%.”

“You mean you’ve already surpassed your size from last time?”

“Told you it was going faster. I don’t think I’d fit in our bedroom right now.”

“…Wow.”

“It’s getting my neck too… and I can’t feel my hands and feet anymore. I… I actually can’t move anything.”

“How does it feel?”

“Amazing. It’s pretty cool to hold this much air. Maybe they’ll push me even further next time.”

“Maybe they’ll let me take you home like that.”

“Sweetie, I’m almost stuck between the walls! I certainly wouldn’t fit through the door.”

“Bah! Devil’s in the details…”

“Wish you were here to see me, though.”

“Me too.”

“Don’t worry. We can try this at home… hopefully without damaging the house.”

“Looking forward to it. …Ok, honey, gotta go. Important client on line two.”

“Go be important, sweetie.”

“Have a relaxing stay, ok?”

“I’ll think of you the entire time.”

“I love you. See you next week.”

“Muah. Ta-ta.”