FDA Approved

Date Written: 

"Hey, want a free sample?" The girl held up a tray covered in small cups of what looked like blueberry milkshake.

Steve paused for a moment and looked her over. She was short, curvy, blond, and had a tiny nose piercing. Cute, even in the dorky mall coffee shop uniform. Her nametag read "Sara."

"Sure, but what is it? Isn't this place supposed to be a coffee shop?"

"It's our new Blueberry Spice Fluffocino! It's delicious! It even has new self replicating flavors, and it's FDA approved," smiled Sara.

"It sounds weird, but it must be okay if it's FDA approved," thought Steve. "Besides, she's cute."

It really did taste fantastic. Creamy, rich, sweet, and with an almost overwhelming taste of cold fresh blueberries.

"Wow, this really does taste great! So, how long have you worked at-" Steve stopped mid sentence, interrupted by a sudden loud burble from inside him. Sara shot him a quizzical look.

"Uhm, are you feeling okay? Your nose is turning blue." Actually, Steve's whole body was slowly developing a bluish tint, and he was starting to feel really, really bloated.

"I feel sort of weird. Like, really full. Is this normal?" His stomach had swollen into a bulging belly, and his blue skin was peeking out from underneath his shirt.

"You must be having some kind of reaction. This never happens when I drink it. What does it feel like?" Asked Sara as she bent down to look at his exposed belly, poking it gently with her fingers. He was getting big.

"I don't know, just really, really bloated and tight. It feels like I'm pumping up with liquid, I can feel if swirling around inside me. How do we stop this?" By now he had swollen so much that his shirt had ridden up to just above his belly button, exposing the gravid swell of his blue stomach. His butt and hips had pumped up too, straining the fabric of his pants. By now, people were starting to stare as they passed by. A brunette in yoga pants and a tight top had stopped to stare at the blonde girl and the swelling blueberry boy.

"What's going on, is this some kind of contest of something?" She asked, taking a long sip from her blueberry milkshake coffee thing.

"No, he's having some kind of weird reaction to the drink. Look at this," Sara poked him again in his swollen belly, this time a little deeper and harder than before. His rebounding tummy sloshed loudly.

"Oh, whoa. That's really weird. This never happens to me when I drink this stuff," said the girl, slurping her drink.

Just then, the button popped off Steve's pants and zinged off a nearby wall. Both girls giggled. His belly was huge, his entire body was blowing up all over like a parade blimp. His ass had pumped up to the size of two basketballs, and his enormous hips were too wide to fit through a normal door.

"This is actually really cool," said the brunette. "I wonder what would happen if we gave him more?" She popped the top off of her drink and approached Steve, pressing her lithe athletic body against his round springy one for balance.

By now, a crowd had definitely gathered. A few guys and girls (including Sara) had their phones out and were taking videos.

"Okay, open wide!" The girl pinched Steve's nose shut and slowly poured the drink into his mouth, biting her quivering lower lip in anticipation. She finished pouring in the drink, let go of his nose, and gave him a quick peck on the cheek. The girls in the crowd giggled. She pushed off his swelling body and leaned away, the front of her clothes and her lips stained dark blue.

Steve's rate of growth suddenly surged, pumping him up to be nearly spherical. The stitches in his clothes popped and they fell to the ground, leaving him totally exposed in front of the crowd. Most of them laughed or giggled. A lot of the girls blushed. A lot of them started taking pictures. He was already feeling full, and he was pumping up so fast that it felt like he was sitting on an open fire hydrant, and none of these people seemed to be taking it seriously. He felt like he could explode at any second.

"Hey, look at your clothes," said Sara to the brunette in yoga pants, "you're covered in juice! I wonder..."

Sara walked up to Steve and drew a long lick up the lower hemisphere of his belly to his belly button. Sure enough, it was slick with sweet blueberry juice. Almost immediately, she felt the sensation of warm fluid welling up in her abdomen, and her belly starting to bulge heavily. In the meantime, the brunette, who had only ingested a very small amount of juice by kissing Steve, started to feel a little full.

"They're both blowing up too!" Said a girl in the crowd, pointing at the two girls swelling near Steve.

"They're nowhere near as big as him, though!" Shouted another faceless member of the peanut gallery.

"Yeah, that dude is huge! He looks ready to bl-" The guy shouting this from the back was suddenly interrupted by the tremendous BOOM of Steve exploding and the tidal wave of juice that swept the crowd off their feet immediately after.


"Well," thought the now hugely overpumped, about to blow Sara, as she sat in the middle of a crowd of swelling but still smaller people, "at least today has been interesting."

Expository Prologue Follows

Frantic, I slammed down my rubber stamp on each document, practically flinging them off the top of the stack as I hurriedly flipped through. I had procrastinated too long; the deadline was in five minutes and I hadn't read even a single one of these new applications. They had been sitting here for months, waiting for my final approval, and now I had no choice but to just stamp them and send them. You know what? Fuck safety. Stamp that shit.

A new drug that permanently changes hair color? *FDA APPROVED*

Subdermal magnet implants?! Fuck it! *FDA APPROVED*

Alcohol that gets you permanently drunk?? *STAMP THAT SHIT*

Self replicating fruit flavors?!? *FDA APPROVED*

I haphazardly grabbed the huge stack of papers, snatched a few off the floor, and took off at a dead sprint to the vacuum tube delivery port, the occasional stray sheet fluttering off the pile as I ran.

Fuck. Down to three minutes. I was a failure, a monster. I had destroyed my own life by procrastinating it away.

I sprinted up to the port and grabbed a canister and slammed it on the tile floor, shattering it into a thousand plastic pieces. Fuck.

I grabbed another canister and gingerly lowered it to the floor before I started shoving papers into it. I noticed someone standing nearby. It was Cathy, from HR. That bitch.

"Heya, Tim! Wow, you look super busy-"

"SHUT UP, CATHY! JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP, CAN'T YOU SEE I'M WORKING HERE?! BITCH!?!" I shrieked, ham-fisting crumpled papers into the overstuffed canister. I dropped a knee on it to get the door to close and buckled it.

One minute.

I jammed the canister into the vacuum tube and slammed the door shut. The canister was upside down. Too late to fix this. Fifteen seconds.

I reared back and slammed my fist on the button. The tube hummed as the suction kicked in, but the canister wasn't moving.

"MOVE, FUCKING MOVE!! YOU PIECE OF SHIIIT!!! AAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!" How could it have come to this? Hadn't I been a good person? Hadn't I tried my best to live a virtuous life? Hadn't I already suffered enough?

With a soft phfump, the canister shot heavenbound into the tube. Whew. Almost missed another deadline. Today went pretty well. Maybe I'll ask Cathy to dinner tonight.

Author's Note: 

Originally written for safaristeve29.

Average: 3.8 (9 votes)

I messed up the formatting on this one. Sorry.

dejected_Xmas's picture
You're one of my favorite

You're one of my favorite authors so far, man. Hope you never lose your midas touch.

Thanks so much for the

Thanks so much for the compliment! Tell me if you ever want a story!