Adventuring Hazard

In time immemorial there stood in the antediluvian land of Mnar a great city of men; the City of Sarnath. It was a true metropolis, bustling with merchants and fortune seekers from all reaches of the known world. The bandage-wrapped talisman peddlers of Noor, the diminutive lizard beings of Outer Foth, even the fabled moon-beings could all be found wandering the winding streets and bazaars of Great Sarnath, hawking and buying things ranging from fine bronze blades to black lotus to dyed bolts of silk. The Great King Ub Na'ilon ruled unquestionably but benevolently from upon his towering throne, carved from a single piece of whitest ivory, although no man knew from whence such a piece came. It was the year 24739 BCE, and it was a great time to be alive.

But now, enough about Great Sarnath. This story is about two adventurers; daring grave robbers who met in a tavern in the lower bazaar and decided to enter into a mutually beneficial and not homoerotically charged venture to raid the ancient and deserted necropolis of Old Pnoth. They were Blux, a young warrior, and Xirr, a fledgling black lotus addict sorcerer with a small collection of magical talismans. They pooled their meager capital, bought provisions for their journey and tools for their grave robbing, and set out for Old Pnoth.

For many days they traveled, until they came upon a raging river of dark blue water, swift and deep...

"I'm telling you, this is impossible," gesticulated Xirr, waving a dirty piece of parchment at Blux's face. "This shit is NOT on the map. It just isn't."

"Great. It's here anyway. Fuck my life." Blux sighed. This was bullshit, man.

"Maybe we can make a raft." Xirr helpfully suggested.

"Out of what?!" Blux waved his hands in the air and made a big show of looking around for trees that he already knew he would not find. "Out of DIRT?!?" There was like, one shrub here.

"We'll string a rope across the river!!!" Xirr shouted back.

"Oh, that might actually work. There are a few shrubs here and on the other side of the river that we could tie the rope to. But how are we gonna get the rope across?" Blux asked.

"I have the perfect thing for this! A magical talisman!" Xirr produced a tiny bronze icon of an ugly little monster from one of the many pockets in his voluminous robes. "Lay out some rope."

Blux grabbed a coil of rope from his pack and dropped it unceremoniously on the riverbank. Xirr held the talisman and began to chant in an atonal, alien tongue. Suddenly he stopped and both intrepid wanderers stared expectantly at the rope.

With a hiss, one end of the coil rose from the ground and waved back and forth, tasting the air, imbued with new life. It quickly slithered away into the grass and out of sight. The two adventurers said nothing.

"I have a better talisman. Get more rope."

-

Soon our two grave robbing heroes stood among an impressive array of knots and coils of rope. A loose, expandable harness had been tied around Blux, who had removed his armor and sword. A rope tied off at the center of the harness was tied around Xirr's waist, and he held the two packs slung over one shoulder and tied off to the rope supporting him. In one hand he held a tiny bronze statuette of a very round little woman.

"Okay, ready?"

Blux gave a thumbs up. "Ready."

Xirr started chanting again, atonal and droning. Soon, Blux began to bulge, his belly bloating out as his whole body widened and began to lift off the ground. Xirr chanted faster as Blux felt the ropes tighten around his rapidly filling body.

Swelling with gas, he ran his hands over his tight, hollow form. He was pumping up huge and wide, fast. Soon he had pulled the tether between him and Xirr tight, but the atonal chanting just grew faster and faster as minutes passed and Blux grew bigger and rounder, pumping up like an overinflated blimp. His huge, buoyant body began to float into the sky, pulling Xirr with it. The chanting stopped.

Blux was enormous, a tight, creaking parade balloon of a person. With all the pressure inside him, he felt like he could explode. He began to float away from the river, back toward Sarnath, fast. It was a windy day.

"I think we're blowing the wrong way! How long is this gonna last?!?" He shouted down to his erstwhile drug addled cultist friend.

"I don't know, I've never done this before!"

"Fuck! I hope we don't blow past Sarnath into the Screaming Moon Creature Wasteland!!!"

"Fuck. Fuuuck."