First Date

"Ugh. You are soooooo irritating. So irritating," glares the girl at you from across the small table.

"Oh, I'M the one who's irritating? All you do is whine and complain and insult me about everything."

"Well, maybe I would be nicer if you hadn't started our date off by telling me how much fatter I was than in my pictures, you jerk. You fucking jerk."

"Yeah, after you walked in here and said, 'Oh, ugh, I thought you were gonna be a lot more attractive than this,' you bitch. Besides, at least I don't REPEAT MY OWN INSULTS." You sneer mockingly at her.

There was no denying it. This was not going well for either of you. Everybody knows first dates are awkward, especially first blind dates set up on the internet, but this was bad. Especially after you hit it off so well online. She seemed so nice, and totally into you.

"Don't call me a BITCH, you fucking asshole! This is the worst date I've ever been on, even this restaurant fucking SUCKS!" She screams across the table.

"Fuck you, this restaurant is AWESOME. IT ONLY SUCKS BECAUSE YOU'RE HERE, YOU BITCH!!!" You shout in her face.

"That's IT! I absolutely can't STAND you! I don't have to sit here and listen to a jerk like you!" She stomps off to the big red helium tank sitting in the corner. On a previous visit you had asked your waitress what it was for. You assumed she was making a joke when she giggled and winked and told you it was 'for when someone has a bad date.'

She drags the tank over to you and grabs your arms, pushing you against the table. Struggle as you might, she is way stronger than you. She did say on her profile that she worked out a lot and wrestled in college. Hmm.

"Oh, I guess it's true what they say about RETARDS being really strong!!!" You yell in her ear.

"You're the only retard here, you FUCKER!" She screams in your face before bending you over the table and sitting on top of you, straddling you backwards. She pulls down the back of your shorts, dips the hose in a glass of water on your table, and slides it deep up your ass before cranking the flow rate all the way up and getting off you. You stand back up.

"Wow, I didn't think you'd try to get in my pants on the first date, you fucking WHORE!" You're blowing up, and fast. Your body is rounding out, your belly is bulging, and you can feel your butt swelling and straining your shorts. All that gas filling you up actually feels really nice.

"Oh, figures you would like this, you faggot." She grabs the obvious erection tenting your pants.

"Something's wrong with gay people, huh, you judgemental bitch?!"

"I never said that, you fucking asshole! Stop putting fucking words in my mouth!"

"You stupid whore." You say, dripping with vitriol. You're seriously huge now, pumped up nearly spherical, all round and tight. The pressure is really building up.

"Fuck you, you're the one who's got a boner, jerk!"

"AND YOU'RE THE ONE WHO'S HOLDING IT, YOU WHORE!!!" You scream at her.

She pauses for a moment as you make sustained eye contact. She gives your overinflated boner a few quick strokes through your shorts and steps back.

"You jerk." The pressure inside you is explosive, and you're still growing.

"You're a bitch." You roll backwards on your inflated butt, body now too round to stand. You're lying there on your back, inflated legs forced into the air by your pneumatic ass. Your stomach brushes the ceiling and you creak loudly.

"I hope you like EXPLODING, jerk!"

"At least I'm not a stuck up idiot bitch who lists'Disney movies' as one of her primary interests."

Your stomach is pressing hard against the ceiling. You're running out of room, and the explosive pressure inside you is building faster and faster. Your round blimp of a body is creaking and straining. It feels so good, but you're about to explode at any second.

"You know..." You tell your date from behind your hugely overpumped bomb of a body, "I'm actually having a really good time with you."

"Yeah, this turned out to be a really fun date." She responds, the malice gone from her voice. "I'm gonna plug my ears and get in cover now."

Your parade float body lets out a long creak, swells out a few last inches, squeezed between the floor and ceiling, and detonates with a massive KABOOM!

Rubbery pink scraps and shreds of cloth swirl around the room. Your date gets up, brushes herself off, and waves down a waitress.

"Um, sorry about the mess."

"Oh, it's okay! People come in here and explode their dates all the time. Yesterday a girl got stood up and blew up one of our waitresses. She got huuuge before she blew, too." Responds the waitress, having watched you explode.

"Huh. I take back what I said about this restaurant sucking. This place blows."

What a bitch.